An Idea To Save The United States
To Move Forward, We Must Look Back
There is a distinct sound created by a catapult in action. A sonic release of tension that vibrates into flesh, thrumming with energy. Then a whoomp, a thump, a pound as whatever projectile the catapult heaved slams into its target, a wake of demolition in its path. Silence follows, the reverie of destruction dampening all sounds.
This is the coolest noise on Earth. If I could get it piped straight into my audio cortex I would. Like a low-rent Adam Jensen. Just the whirr, the thump, and the silence. Nothing else. If I had one cyberpunk enhancement, that would be it. Maybe also a deck like in Neuromancer. But the sound thing is way more important.
Their auditory presence is not the most memorable thing about these ballistic devices. Catapults, onagers, trebuchets, and the like use the power of tension and potential energy to fling heavy shit really far. The science behind them is relatively simple, they’re effectively large slingshots, with a few engineering touches to allow them to shoot heavier things farther and more accurately. Easy to concieve, easy to create.
Of course, it’d be irresponsible not to mention that they’re also ancient instruments of siege warfare, involved in the death of many, many people.[1] So like, that’s not necessarily a good and cool thing about them. But, also, something that I can’t ignore. I’m not glamorizing them for that. On the other hand, they don’t necessarily need to be used to hurt people. You could just like launch eggs far with them. Or hurl giant sacks of money somewhere. Unlike with guns or cannons, which can literally only hurt people.[2]
Alright, so why so many words about catapults, something that most normal people have not thought about since they learned about Medieval Europe in the sixth grade? Why so much waxing poetic? So much flagrant word vomit? Why do I keep beating this into the ground? Well, I have a simple proposal. There should be a yearly catapult competition in the United States with compulsory participation. This will solve all our problems.
A few years ago, I proposed that the Democrats buy everyone in the US a pair of sweatpants. They did not do this. Look what happened. In my munificence, I am offering them another chance to save their asses. To ensure their political success for a millennium. Let’s see if they take it or not.
This idea is simple. Every year on January 1st, The United States Catapult Competition (USCC) will formally begin. The commencement will be marked by country-wide fetes and galas. Perhaps even a soirée or three or four. Cities will celebrate former champions, and celebrities will make appearances around the country. A day of feasting, partying and celebration. Then, on January 2nd, the competition begins.
The competition part is simple. Everyone in the United States will join a team of 2-5 people who attempt to build the best catapult that they can. There will be a publicly available algorithm that takes into account cost, throw distance, and projectile weight, determining a winner. So make it cheap, and make it sturdy, and make it strong. There’s also a size limit, so no one can create like a 30-foot tall one.
There are about 340 millionish people in the US, so it might seem difficult to create a country-wide competition, but that’s not really the issue. We already have national competitions all the time. We can just steal a page from dog shows, Glee, or the Little League World Series. Start out with local competitions, held in school fields, or county fairgrounds. Then move to regionals, holding competitions in big city parks, or college football fields. Then move to state-level tourneys held in public parks built specifically for these competitions. Finally, take the 50 state-level winners, give or take the winners of Puerto Rico, Guam, and whatever other unincorporated territories want to get in on the action, and bring them to DC for Nationals. This will take place every year on December 27th on the National Mall. The winners will be crowned the Catapult Champs and receive $50 million for their efforts. More importantly, they’ll get bragging rights. A person can only win this competition once. We must spread the wealth. Don’t worry, there will be prizes for wins at the lower levels of the competition. But obviously not as big.
Like I said, easy.
So, why go to all this trouble? It’s not a lot of trouble when there are plenty of benefits! For one, it encourages increased manufacturing and critical thinking skills throughout the population, so that’s a nice little benefit. Who couldn’t use a little extra math practice or reading comprehension? Second, it promotes creativity and teamwork, and being outside more. Those three things? Also good! Especially when every one is doing it. Even if you don’t win at regionals, a team from your area or state will soon be moving on up the ranks. Someone fun to root for. Going out to practice and working on the catapults is great mental and physical exercise as well, allowing people to see what awesome public areas and spaces their city/township/unincorporated municipal area has to offer.
Finally, it also promotes and creates vital economic engines. These competitions will need plenty of staff to run them, and as the event is year-round, the jobs will not be seasonal, but full-time in nature. Judges, technicians, food vendors, organizers and more will be needed at every level of the competition. The increased need for tools, scientific equipment, and materials will also stimulate the economy in fantastic ways. It’s really all a virtuous cycle. The TV revenue alone from the first year’s finale alone could fund PBS for a decade.
This is really a foolproof idea. I’m not quite sure why people aren’t working on implementing it already. The fact that we don’t have a national catapult challenge is truly a sign of the dire straits that our country is currently in. So please, lets get chucking! What do we have to lose?
[1] It’d also be irresponsible to start ANOTHER paragraph with a word beginning with “T”, but I won’t get into that here.
[2] Unless you’re in the Portal video game, then guns are used to create various color worm holes. But that’s sort of a different thing.