Bodies of Water, Ranked

Let's all go swimming in a dang lake

Water, it’s everywhere. Can’t escape it! It’s like 70% of the earth’s surface! We, unless you are a weird hydrophobic myxozoan parasite, need water to live! It’s everywhere, in lots of different places. Of course, not every bit of water is equal. Some are better than others. As is the Dang Dude way, I’ve ranked them. It’s important work. So let’s get to it.

11. Golf Water Hazard

Golf courses are huge environmental turds, sucking up millions of gallons of water so that people wearing $300 Performance X Moisture-Wicking Smoothline Polos can hit little white balls with sticks. But also, they do look sort of cool, so who is to say whether they are good or bad? A lot of golf courses have water hazards, that is, tiny pools designed to return mishit balls to the briny deep. Or at least a concrete-bottomed hole full of murky water. These things are mostly there as goose-poop containers, which is why they’re on the bottom of this list.

10. Regular Lake

There are lots of lakes in the United States, Minnesota alone has 10,000 of them! There are even more in other places in the world.[1] As will become obvious later on in this list, not all lakes are created equal. Many lakes, in fact, are pretty boring. Smallish bodies of water that offer no value beyond being breeding grounds for mosquitoes. Any ecologists reading this can shut it. I know that these lakes have *actual* uses and our world would suffer without them. Chill out. I’m using hyperbole for comedic effect over here. Most lakes are too cold or too dirty to swim in, so what is even the point!

9. Delta

On one hand, Deltas gave us the blues, Sinners, the Pyramids, one of the first human civilizations, and some other sick-ass stuff. On the other hand, they also gave us Mumford & Sons’ Delta. Deltas have a lot to answer for is what I’m saying. To their credit, no other BoW[2] gets to talk about alluvial beds as much as Deltas. Alluvial might be the most fun word to say in the English language. Really feels like you’re swallowing your tongue.

8. Tarn

At Dang Dude Incorporated we love a tarn. A beautiful mountain tarn.[3] Tarns form when water fills up a cirque, basically a depression carved out by a glacier. Tarns are often extremely hard to reach on foot, but if you’re down to do a little hiking you can at least see them from places reachable without needing to spend a bunch of money on specialized equipment. Montana has a bunch if you’re ever out there. These glittering little jewels may not have much in the way of recreational potential, but they are very nice to look at, and that’s got to count for something.

7. Pond

Ponds, aka small water kings, have a special place in the imaginarium of the United States.[4] Yes, I hate myself for typing that sentence just as much as you. Whether it’s of a duck pond, a swimming hole, or some sort of stocked fishery, most people have a fond memory of some type of pond. Even cities, not often known for their love of bodies of water, have ponds in some of their bigger parks. Ponds don’t offer the best places to do water related activities, but they do offer a place, and for many people that’s more than enough. On a global scale, the rest of the world also has ponds. Don’t know much about other countries’ cultural attitudes towards ponds though, so I won’t comment on them. Shame on me.

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6. River

Rivers, America’s first love. Whether it’s the Mississippi, the Amazon, or the Indus, rivers play an incredibly important part in the history of civilization. Hell, we wouldn’t have our beautiful microplastics if it wasn’t for rivers. That’s not a joke. Early industry was almost entirely based around rivers and their ability to power manufacturing equipment. This led to the exploration of other power sources less reliant on rivers. This in turn, pushed us to use oil as a source of energy. You what is made primarily from oil? Plastics. That’s right baby. It’s really nature’s fault that we’re all full of microplastics. Sorry. I’m getting off-topic. Rivers are chill.

5. Stream

You know what’s better than a river? A dang stream. Have you ever just taken your shoes and socks off and done some wading on a hot summer’s day? There is no better feeling than mucking about in a cool stream. Trying not to slip on rocks, watching all the cool little fish, splashing your friends. Just don’t drink that water. Because then you will get giardia and die. Or close to it. Beauty is always dangerous folks.

4. Ocean

Part of me, a part I usually indulge in this very newsletter, wanted to rank oceans lower. I mean, there’s only like five oceans and even that number is bullshit.[5] Get your count up if you want to be ranked higher. But the more rational part of my brain intervened. Oceans - the ocean really - is cool. It covers most of the dang Earth. And holds all of chthonic creatures we’ve got. Also, it has some other creepy-ass ones too. More thalassic than chthonic, but still bugnuts. If only it weren’t constantly trying to kill everyone who sets foot in it. Then it would be way cooler. The ocean just needs to be like 10% less murderous to move up this list.

3. Vacation Lake

Vacation lakes are vastly superior to their smaller, less distinguished, brethren. What do I mean by vacation lake? I mean, a lake that you specifically go to vacation on. Duh. Not just some dump that you travel to by car for a day and then leave after a couple of hours. I mean a lake that has a bustling/semi-thriving economy built around people hanging out there. It should be hard/impossible to see the other side. Maybe even multiple towns around its borders. These lakes are sick. Parts of it should just be docks full of people messing around on water equipment. That sort of thing. Very fun.

2. Sea

While rivers may have helped found civilization, seas made civilizations cool. The Mediterranean, the Dead, the Black, the South China, etc etc are all pretty freaking sick. The suckers are big enough to do all types of cool things on. I bet if Atlantis is real, it’s underneath a sea. That just feels right. Seas might not have the same cultural cachet as an ocean or rivers, but they deserve everything and more. I say that all seas should get straight A’s.

1. Great Lake

Lest you think I’m being too America-centric this category also includes places like Lake Victoria and Lake Titicaca. Big old lakes that for whatever reason aren’t seas, but are too big to be included in the Vacation Lake category. These guys are truly the best of all our bodies of water. Huge, fully navigable, full of tons of different marine life, and they offer lots of fun entertainment options? Count me in! Fully better than oceans because they’re not constantly trying to kill you and have the benefit of mostly being freshwater, so you can - usually - drink out of them. A workhorse

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[1] Is this fact true to the point of inanity? Yes. Will I change it? No! Many people are very dumb.

[2] That’s, Body of Water to you.

[3] Yes, that’s redundant. Deal with it.

[4] Lol, what a dumb-ass word.

[5] They’re all connected! It’s one ocean!

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