Bread, Ranked
Bread acts as a global unifier. Something that brings us all together. In one sense, it helps define humanity. It is one of the reasons that people invented agriculture.[1] It is the backbone of many cultures, a part of religious ceremonies, provides much-needed nutrients, and is delicious. Like whomst amongst us[2] hasn’t just chowed down on some damn bread? Those carbs truly do be hitting.
Any reasonable person has a definition of bread that is legible to most other people. However, coming up with a description that encapsulates all different types of bread is impossible. While writing this, I tried to do just that. An impossible task. I mean, read your Wittgenstein for chrissakes![3] Moving past my self-aggrandizing academic references, bread is still really hard to explain. A boule of sourdough looks, tastes, and feels far different from a roll of injera, yet they’re both bread. They’re both made from cooked grain that is mixed with a liquid, which is about the closest I can get to a definition of bread. That is still way too broad, of course, as well as being unhelpful. But it’ll have to do.
This list, obviously, doesn’t cover every single type of bread, that would be way too much work for this newsletter, but it does cover some of the most popular ones. As is always true with these lists, if I left off your favorite, or you hate the ranking, feel free to send me some criticism. I will not change my ranking, but I’ll at least read your comment.
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14. Any bread where they tell you how many grains are in it
Ezekiel 4:9, 12 Grain, 15 Grain, Multigrain, all of it is bad! There is no reason for me to know how many different types of grain there are. Fully unimportant information. The brands behind these loaves are far more concerned about stuffing a bunch of barely different grains into their product than they are making something good to eat. They are usually considered to be healthier than other types of bread, but I remain unconvinced as to how much healthier. Adding incredibly small amounts of millet to a loaf can’t possibly be that good for you. Also, that Ezekiel stuff goes bad in like a day. So, no thanks.
13. Honey Whole Wheat
I had this a lot growing up and it’s just not my thing. The honey feels tacked on there to make you feel like you’re having a treat, but you’re not. Also, this stuff is just dry. Nothing worse than a loaf with a bad mouthfeel. It might not be as terrible as pre-French Revolution peasant bread, but that’s not the scale that I’m measuring on. I measure on a post-French Revolution scale. This is what homesteaders make and tell themselves that it’s good. Get a grip!
12. Hawaiian Bread
Too sweet. Gimmick bread. This is what adults who have the palates of babies eat. Like once every four years it’s fine to eat Hawaiian bread. Otherwise? Get it out of my face. Nobody wants this nonsense. It’s only good for semi-viral food TikToks about making “Marry Me Chicken Game Day sliders.” Blech.
11. Oatmeal Bread
I should like oatmeal bread more. It feels like it’s the type of bread that a hobbit would eat, and you know that I’m into that stuff. Would love to be a Hobbit. It’s not that I hate oatmeal bread, I like a piece or two at times, especially if I’m having a nice stew or whatever. But generally, the execution does not live up to the possibility. It’s either too dry or too crumbly. Finding that happy medium is just way too difficult to justify the time. There are easier breads to make that have better tastes, if not the fantasy-adjacent look, of an oatmeal bread.
10. Injera
Injera is killer. Boasting a slightly sour taste, a cool color, and an interesting texture, it has all the things that usually put something at the top of one of these lists. However, it is too thin and tearable to work in anything other than Ethiopian cuisine. Now, Ethiopian food absolutely rocks, so that’s not a knock against it. I just like my bread to be able to do more than one thing. Also, it can be a real hassle to find teff flour in the US, so there’s also that.
9. Pumpernickel
More bread should be the color of Guinness. When I run for President, this will be the biggest plank in my platform. Dark, dense bread for everyone! Pumpernickel is for more than just corned beef sandwiches and Outback Steakhouse (there’s isn’t really pumpernickel bread anyway; it’s too sweet). Try a slice with some butter and a few pickles. Or butter and some beets. Or make a ham sandwich out of it. I guarantee that your taste buds will have a good time feeling like they’re in a Chekov play.
8. Pita
People are going to get mad that I included pita on this list but not tortillas, laffa, or naan. Whatever! Kick rocks man. Pita rules. A nice soft fluffy pita full of kebab? Oooooooh baby. That’s that good stuff. Get some hummus on that bad boy? That’s better than Joe Blanton’s home run in Game Four of the 2008 World Series. [4]
7. Seeded Rye
Seeded rye is the one seedy bread that I will get behind. The little flavor bombs, caraway is the most common addition, are the perfect accompaniment to sandwiches, cheese, soups, stews, and any other thing you’re eating alongside this bread. If you’ve got some corned beef and mustard, then it hits different. A good bread for breakfast.
6. White Sandwich Bread
I don’t care what the health nuts, hipsters, and Bon Appetit writers say, white sandwich bread is good as hell. To be clear here, I’m not talking about Wonderbread, but the slightly less sugary versions of that. The chew, the crumb, the taste, it’s all great. Sure, it’s not exactly good for you, but whatever! It makes killer toast, tastes great, and in the Medieval Era represented wealth. All of that sounds okay to me.
5. Dill Bread
My mom makes this bread. I guess that means I should put it at number one, but not even familial responsibility will prevent me from living my truth. I’m not sure where she got the recipe from, but it’s delicious. It’s just like standard bread but with dill seeds in it, and maybe some yogurt? I’m not sure. I’ve never watched her make it. I like it being a secret. However you make it, it’s fantastic and will make your day brighter.
4. Challah
Challah is a great bread for ripping and tearing. Fluffy, light, and beautifully braided, a killer challah is best eaten either plain or with a little butter, ripped straight from the loaf. No need for anything fancy. I’ve had great sandwiches and stuff made with challah, but I prefer a rip and tear every time.
3. Potato Bread
When I was first introduced to potato bread it was a revelation. I had no idea bread could be so soft. I demanded that my parents buy nothing but potato bread for months after that. I’ve since slowed down a bit on it, but it still is at the top of the list. It is far and away the best bun for a smash burger. No question about it.
2. Baguette (Italian/French)
Just once, I want to be in a French city, go grocery shopping, and bike back home with two baguettes and the top of a bunch of carrots sticking out of a paper bag placed in the front metal carrier on my bicycle. Is that too much to ask for? I think not! Baguettes are the aesthetically superior bread and are only slightly less tasty than the top entry on this list. Best eaten in a park with some wine and cheese, they’re also the perfect base for many a delicious appetizer or amuse-bouche.
1. Sourdough
The king of breads. The emperor of starches. The hegemon of carbs. Sourdough is perfect. When I win the lottery, one of the first things that I will do is hire a baker to make me a sourdough boule every morning.[5] Bliss on a plate. A slightly warm, fresh piece of sourdough bread is one of my favorite things on earth to eat. It’s a bit of a hassle to make at home, but it’s not impossible, and the effort often makes eating it that much better. There’s just no bread better than a good sourdough.
[1] There’s an ongoing argument in anthropology/archeology over whether bread or beer was the reason that agriculture was invented. Both are great so, either works for me.
[2] David Hume whom loom Doom?
[3] Note, I have not read my Wittgenstein. I just took a Philosophy class in high school and remember my teacher talking about this guy in relation to definitions. I’m really quite dumb.
[4] Look it up. A thing of majesty.
[5] I’ll also like put money toward ending global warming or some other bullshit.
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On Zoe's behalf, because as an unpaid subscriber I don't think she can comment, I will object to the exclusion of (garlic) naan. Personally? Not so much. Baguettes rule.