Cold Brew Season

And a quick guide on how to make it at home!

Streams of rich chocolate flowing over crystal-clear rocks of ice. Caffeinated culverts shuttling smooth coffee strands straight into stomachs.[1] Icy carafes supplying crisp cups of bean juice constantly. You get the gist of what I’m trying to say: cold brew is the nectar of the dang gods. If you went up to Mt. Olympus right now, I’d bet you’d find Hera or Persephone sipping on a big ol frosty mug of the dang stuff.[2] Either that or doing some crazy Greek God things, like turning their rivals into spiders or trying to make it with a swan. Fifty/fifty shot for either one, really.

Cold brew sits in that great, rare space of being very good and also very cheap/easy to make.[3] Don’t let twee coffee shop pricing models scare you. Cold brew does not actually cost the extra dollar or two more than a cup of drip that those places always charge. If you price it out, it’s probably cheaper to drink homemade cold brew every morning than it is to brew a pot of hot coffee every day.[4] Not only is it cheap, it’s also wildly easy to make at home! See below for some instructions on how to do so. After you finish reading the next few paragraphs of my nattering. You’ve got to read the nattering.

So, why cold brew over regular percolated coffee? There is the temperature reason, of course. Drinking one-hundred-degree liquids when it’s over seventy degrees Fahrenheit outside is just not my idea of a good time. I’m already a sweaty dude, so I look for any opportunity I can find to cool down. Slurping down cold brew is a great way to get that sweet caffeine that I need and to not raise my internal body temp by a few degrees.

But temperature is not the only reason why I keep coming back to this specific bean juice preparation method. There is a simple rule I like to follow. What applies to old people’s taste in jazz is also true for coffee: the smoother the better.[5] As home brewers who don’t spend their 401(k) payments on set-ups that would make the Starbucks’ mermaid blush know, drip coffee can be acidic. Harsh, even. I won’t get too deep into the science behind it, but that harshness is basically due to the brewing process of a CoffeeMate[6] causing the oils in the beans to burn. Oils have different optimal cooking temps and it’s a pretty low one for Chock Full O’ Nuts. Cold brewing, thankfully, removes the possibility of charring those oils. Can’t burn something if you’re not using heat![7]

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The lack of burnt oils makes the coffee smoother and the longer brewing time allows for deeper flavors, giving usually cut-rate beans like Bustelo a chance to shine. The extended extraction process also means that there is more caffeine in the cold brew, allowing you either the chance to drink less of it, or to drink a regular amount and get that little bit of an extra buzz. At least until you become used to the extra caffeine and then need to increase your dosage to get your sick little hit of caf. The downfalls of regular coffee consumption.

I guess I should think of a third reason, if only to follow the rules of persuasive essays that I learned in third-grade. I do love following rules. So, to state it bluntly, this next sentence will provide reason number three for why you should prefer cold brew over regular drip. You can drink it from a straw, I guess. You certainly don’t have to, but unlike with hot drinks, you could sip a cold brew out of a hollow reed all day long if you wanted to. For those readers concerned with the potential teeth-staining possibilities inherent in cold brew, straws help avoid that. So there. A third reason. I hope that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The camel in this case being your resistance to drinking cold brew over hot coffee.

Anyway, I promised that cold brew was easy to make at home. So here are some step-by-step instructions on how to do it in the comfort of your abode instead of paying $5.25 for a Venti Cold Brew at Starbucks.[8]

Instructions:

Grab some grounds. The same amount you would use to make 12 cups of hot coffee. You can grind your own beans of course, but pre-ground like Folgers or Bustelo works great here. In fact, I’d argue it’s a bit of a waste to go with higher priced beans here. Shocking, but I wouldn’t suggest it if it were not true.

Put your ground beans in a French press or similar vessel. A pickle jar with a lid works perfectly fine. As long as all the pickle juice has been cleaned out.

Cover your grounds in cold water. Stir/shake so that none of the grounds are floating at the top.

Put on a lid, or cover the top of your container with plastic wrap. Sock it in the fridge.

Leave it in the fridge for a minimum of twelve hours before drinking, but preferably twenty-four hours.

Once enough time has passed, use the French press filter to pour yourself some cold brew! If using a pickle jar, strain it through a regular coffee filter placed over a mug, or a clean sock, or just drink the grounds I guess. You do it however you want to do it.

Place the rest of the cold brew back in the fridge. It’ll be good for about a week. It will also get stronger with time, so be sure to cut it with milk or water as needed!

See. Easy enough. The only trick is remembering to make it ahead of time. And finding the right filter method. But these little inconveniences make life interesting. Or something like that.

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[1] Do liquids go into your stomach? Unclear. Ask a medical doctor.

[2] Unless it was winter, then Persephone would be down in Hades. Iykyk.

[3] That space is really just cold brew and cacio e pepe.

[4] If you’re drinking like a gallon a day, that’s a different story. But I’m assuming no one reading this is on that Voltaire-level.

[5] This is the second time I’ve used this particular colon set-up in this newsletterm and I don’t think it’s grammatically correct. Whatever, I’m keeping it.

[6] Or whatever brand you use.

[7] You can freezer burn something of course, or create a frost burn with dry ice, but both you and I know that’s not what I’m talking about. Don’t be a pedant.

[8] Cleveland prices, not valid everywhere.

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