SEO demands that I write about the Super Bowl, but I refuse to do so. I will not be held hostage by Google’s search algorithms. The Super Bowl is over, basketball is in the dull days of the pre-Playoffs slog, my favorite NHL team sucks, and March Madness hasn’t started yet. I, as a sports-addicted man, need some action. Spring Training baseball will have to do, even if it’s just a shallow facsimile of the regular season. In the doldrums of February, even with this year’s El Niño climate pattern making winter far warmer than normal, I’ll take anything I can get.
To get myself into the spirit of the game, I’ve ranked every single position on a baseball team. I did not include LOOGY’s because they don’t really exist anymore. The fullback of baseball positions. All of this is written with full understanding that any single MLB player, no matter what position they play, could whoop my ass from Chicago to Waukesha without breaking a sweat.
16. Long Reliever
Yikes. Imagine this being the only way you could make it into the MLB. No thanks! I’d rather stay in AAA ball. Long relievers are all addicted to Monster energy drink and Zyns. They actually like the third verse of “Chicken Fried.” Being a long reliever is all about getting hyped up to go out and make sure your team’s 5-0 deficit doesn’t get worse. Every long reliever’s fastball tops out at 90mphs with no vertical break. Pass.
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15. Fourth Outfielder
What’s worse, eating worms or having to be the fourth outfielder on an MLB team? Unless you’re really into Fear Factor I’m going with the fourth outfielder. Fourth outfielders are all defense, no bat. Couldn’t hit a can of corn into the side of a barn. Not for me. Every fourth outfielder has some nutso blueblood New England name like Tagg Farnsworth IV. Sure, they can take a quick path to the ball, but there are more holes in their swing than in a damn piece of Swiss cheese.
14. Bench Bat/Pinch Hitter
Every pinch hitter is a bum who can only hit bloop singles and strike out. Swinging a bat colder than 50 Cent on the cover of Get Rich or Die Tryin’. They’re all 5’10” and a half in spikes, and they’ll be sure to tell you about that half-inch. Ron DeSantis-ass position. Future right-wing coffee brand owner in the making. Pinch Hitters are like if Plank from Ed, Edd n Eddy were real—no brains, weird faces, and not that much lumber.
13. Left Fielder
Apologies to Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Ted Williams, and Pat “The Bat” Burrell but this is a fake job. This is where pre-DH NL teams used to stash their hitters who couldn’t field for shit. I’m looking at you Kyle Schwarber. It’s just like a boring job unless you’re in Boston, and even then, it feels like you’re just playing wallball with the Green Monster. I can’t prove this but I’m pretty sure every left fielder eats a booger at least once an inning. Get a grip, guys.
12. Utility Infielder
Brandon Drury-UTIL. Oooof. No shade to Drury, but what an ugly thing to type. UTIL. I’d take the “L” away and make a joke about that, but it’s impossible to not give these guys an “L.” Do you know who likes paying their utilities? No one. Much like ComEd, these guys suck. Now that George Will is dead[1] there’s no one left to defend the humble utility infielder and that is fine with me. They’re only above Left Fielders because they at least get to do a thing or two on the field. Utility Infielders should all be forced to wear “David Eckstein is my God” shirts at all times.
11. Catcher
This is where we start getting positions where there are actually cool people. Not saying that catchers are all cool, they most certainly are not, but at least some of them are decent. Most catchers would eat a rat before they would hug their mother, but every once in a while, you’ll get a JT Realmuto or a Pudge Rodriguez who does just enough to make the position cool again. Most of the time catchers are glorified ball boys though, so let’s not get too excited. If “pop time” is like a key stat for you, you’re not doing great.
10. Set-up Man
You become a set-up man if you want to experience the constant agony of coming in second place. Literally, no one cares about you if you’re a set-up man. “But I pitch in the 8th inning which is sometimes as important as the 9th!” Shut up, no it’s not. How could you possibly think that? Set-up men are technically important, which is why they’re higher up on this list, but no one really cares about them. People notice if you suck, but if you’re good then, well, that’s your damn job, isn’t it? More interchangeable than Dr. Who companions. They all want to be Mariano Rivera but can’t even manage Kevin Gregg.
9. First Baseman
First baseman. It sounds way more important than it is. That being said, it’s hard to hate a first baseman. You don’t have to run that much and you get to catch the ball way more than the rest of the team. Not a bad job if you can get it. They also get to have fun little convos with the other players whenever someone gets on base. Who doesn’t like a little gossip sesh? Real Housewives of The First Base Line vibes. The only bad thing you can say about first basemen is that they have to do the splits a lot. Gotta keep those hip flexors loose, boys.
8. Shortstop
Give a mouse a cookie and they’ll ask for some milk. Give a shortstop a chance and they’ll ask for $150 million over five years. Shortstops are another necessary evil of the MLB, but unlike set-up men, they can be worth it every once in a while. Jimmy Rollins for example. Or Nomar Garciaparra. If they don’t try to do the whole Derek Jeter schtick, they’ll turn out fine. Man, Jeter really ruined a whole generation of shortstops, didn’t he? As long as they don’t mess up the double-play relay and can do that sick knee turn-around thing, I’m all for giving shortstops a little love.
7. Center Fielder
Okay, hear me out. Even for a fielder CFs are pretty cool. They might all look like they’re trying to be on the next cover of GQ, but that’s fine. Let ‘em cook, I say. The thing about center fielders is that they’re all massive cornballs. Every center fielder thinks they could have come up with a better plan for the Battle of the Bulge than General Patton and you’ve gotta love that for them, cornball or no. The best is when they run into a fellow fielder and immediately blame it on the other guy. It’s like those TikTok videos where they hang a toilet and a fire extinguisher from ropes and let them swing until they hit each other. Hard not to watch.
6. Right Fielder
Right Fielders are the princes of the outfield. Calm, cool, collected, and generally just not concerned about playing baseball. That’s the best attitude about the game that a fielder can have. Take Nick Castellanos for example. That man does not care about playing his position until the postseason and it demonstrably does not make the Phillies a worse team. That’s cool. No other position can do that. Huge props to right fielders. All they want to do is trade insults with the fans in the bleachers and hit dingers. Pretty cool.
5. Closer
Closers have the most important job in baseball: picking a badass walk-out song. If they were all good at doing this then they’d be number one with a bullet. However, it’s not a skill that every closer can learn. They also get dinged because it’s fading away as a position. More and more managers are refusing to pick a single closer and going with a closer-by-committee approach. Can’t be the best if you’re position doesn’t mean anything. Also, like learn more than two pitches, you know? Variety is the spice of life.
4. Second Baseman
Second Basemen are pretty chill. They run, they catch, they turn double-plays, and they’re usually fast as hell. They also get to do that cool thing where they throw the ball to first while jumping over a player trying to take out their shins. That’s pretty rad. It’s also one of the few positions that have a realistic chance of turning an unassisted double, or even triple play. Hard to make fun of that.
3. Starting Pitcher
Every starting pitcher is one wrong turn away from becoming the Unabomber. They’re all super intense psychos with a penitent for injuring themselves while kicking Gatorade coolers. If I put them any lower on this list, they’d all come to my house and kidnap me for insulting them in front of my 150-ish subscribers. Every starting pitcher thinks that they’re a combination of Oppenheimer, Hannibal (the military guy, not the cannibal), and Beethoven. It’s got to be exhausting. Honestly, it’s amazing none of them ever spontaneously combusts out there. Way to go guys.
2. Designated Hitter
DH’s are the Barbarians of the MLB. All they do is hit and hit hard. Just look at Kyle Schwarber. That dude can’t even hit above .200 and he’s still beloved by the city of Philadelphia. Hell, most people in Chicago and DC would still say that they like Schwarber. A good DH is just a good vibe all around. They may look dumber than your average Senate Republican but hey at least they’re a good time.
1. Third Baseman
The Renaissance man’s favorite position. Third base, the king of the field. Truly, the people’s position. The hot corner. Slinging cross-infield screamers to first base. Charging home to dig out bunts. Turning slick double plays. Running into the outfield to snag a would-be bloop hit because the bum-ass left fielder can’t stop picking his nose. Third base does it all and hits for oppo field power. Plus, tossing foul balls that roll up the third baseline to kids has got to be a lot of fun. Only winners like Placido Polanco play third base.
Baseball is back baby!
[1] Not checking to see if he actually is.
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GREAT piece Dylan! So many memorably funny lines: “Couldn’t hit a can of corn into the side of a barn” lol. And btw you would’ve lost my respect forever if you didn’t choose 3rd base as the best position, so good on ya…
You keep me laughing and learning!!!