Every Beethoven Symphony, Ranked.

From Eroica to Pastoral we've got them all.

In certain circles – ones that I have nothing to do with – it is cool to hate on Beethoven. People – once again, no one I have anything to do with – say that he’s overrated, too one note, or just doing Haydn 2.0. This is dumb. Beethoven rules. I’m not talking about the dog. I’m talking about the damn artist. No other composer has inspired as many YouTube “Trap Dubstep” remixes as Beethoven. That’s saying something. Anyway. I ranked all nine of his symphonies. Yell at me if you want, but I promise that this is the correct order.

9. Symphony No. 2 in D Major

This may be in ninth but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not as good. The sophomore slump was real, even in 1801. This is mostly pretty floaty, sort of meandering around in a very pretty way. That’s fine for some people, but here at Dang Dude we demand that our pretty be grounded. Nothing more, nothing less. Anyway, if you like a bunch of swells and sweet little violin pizzicato then this is the one for you.

8. Symphony No. 4 in B-Flat Major

B-Flat Major is the coward’s key. Sorry, but it’s true. Like, try to think outside the box a little Beethoven. For those in the know, or who have read a couple of Wikipedia articles, this is the “sunny” symphony. It’s light, fun, and moves around like a little bee. It’s pleasant. This one generally gets lost in the hubbub around Symphonies 3 and 5, which I get. It certainly has its moments, but in the end, it’s a little slight for Beethoven. It also premiered in a private concert at someone’s house, which is lame as hell. Give the music to the people!

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7. Symphony No. 6 in F Major

Titled “Pastoral,” Symphony Six is a bit of an odd duck for Beethoven. There are five instead of four movements, as was common for the time. It also has an explicitly narrative throughline, though if you can figure out what the story is, you are smarter than me. This one is similar to Four in that it has none of the oomph that is typically associated with Beethoven. It’s there, but mostly in the background, as the timpanis are limited to the fourth movement only. Those poor drummers have to sit there for like twenty minutes just counting measures. Yuck.

6. Symphony No. 7 in A Major

I’ve got a soft spot for Symphony number 7 in my heart. The second movement in particular is a full-on heater. I’m a sucker for an allegretto. The way that Beethoven uses the timpanis and the strings in tandem here is nothing short of majestic. The other movements are not quite up to par as the second, but the whole thing moves together in a very beautiful way. A statement that he still had the juice, even on his Seventh Symphony. This was a very popular symphony at the time, though it’s fallen out of favor somewhat since then.

5. Symphony No. 3 in E-Flat Major

At one point, “Eroica” was dedicated to Napoleon. Then Beethoven decided he no longer liked the conquering general and crossed his name off the dedication page of the score. Supposedly he crossed it off so hard that he tore through the page. That sounds like a nice little post-hoc myth to me, but who am I to say? The Romantics were wild. Outside of Five and Nine this is probably the most famous of the Symphonies. It’s full of dizzying highs and fabulous bursts of energy. it may be corny, but this soars like a damn eagle.

4. Symphony No. 1 in C Major

Some critics say that Beethoven was just honoring his teacher Haydn with his first two symphonies. That’s a fair critique, but it doesn’t get at the whole thing. You can see Beethoven reaching beyond the constraints of the previous era of orchestral music and looking for something new here. The glorious violin runs, for instance, provide a heft and weight that few pieces before Beethoven ever had. This could all be made up in my mind, but I swear I read something that someone said “there were too many notes” after first hearing this one. That’s very funny if it’s true, but I probably made that up.

3. Symphony No. 8. In F Major

Symphony Eight is all about Beethoven showing off his chops. Flexing on them as they say. While it did not have quite the positive reception as Seven, that’s because people don’t have good taste. This is the composer’s composition, to use the modern parlance. It’s full of little references, nods to the past, and other little tidbits that Beethoven through in there to have some fun. He was on a heater and knew he could do no wrong. He was also growing deaf during this time, so like, you’ve got to take that into account.

2. Symphony No. 5 in C Minor

The opening lines are what everyone knows. Da Da Da Duh. Perhaps the most famous opening in all of “Classical” music.[1] This is a classic for a reason. Fantasia 2000 was right to animate this as the heavens opening up. If there was one thing that our boy Beethoven could do well it was bombast. This is bombast at its most beautiful. The whole symphony isn’t just the opening salvo. There are some supremely well-written parts of this thing, which are worth taking in. Some self-proclaimed “Beethoven nerds” might think it’s too popular or whatever, but they are wrong!

1. Symphony No. 9 in D Minor

I mean, come the hell on!!! Beethoven really put his whole Beetussy into this one.[2] What else would go here? This is the hardest symphony in existence. Do you think a symphony cannot slap? WRONG! This slaps. Sorry for sounding like the internet-addled elder Millennial that I am, but I just can’t help myself. Beethoven’s Ninth is proof that there is at least one cool thing humans have done. Of course, the whole thing is great, from the Allegro ma non troppo opening to the Adiago molto e cantabile. The real reason we’re here though is the damn “Ode to Joy.” One of the first major uses of vocal parts in a symphony, Ode to Joy is an all-time classic. Just a wonder to behold. A shining light of artistic talent. Even if you don’t want to check out the whole thing, just listen to the Ode to Joy. Close your eyes and bask in the glory of the tunes.

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[1] Yes, I know there are different types and genres of orchestral music. Whatever. Get a damn grip.

[2] Ugh. I don’t even think this is funny. But I’m keeping it in here. My readers must suffer the same horrible brain worms that I do. It’s only fair.

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