Flowers, Ranked

This list is 100% correct.

If I had a billion dollars – or made like five times more than what I make now – I would purchase fresh flowers every day of the week. There’s nothing like a fresh petal to lighten your day. The symmetry of the petals, the precise chaos that only nature can provide, all work to calm the mind. Flowers offer glorious bursts of color, beautiful scents, and the perfect amount of aesthetic convivality. Just seeing a good set of flowers can turn a day from bad to good.

While there are countless types and variations of flowers, some are better than others. I’ve catalogued them here, ranking them for your pleasure. Which is the best? You’ll have to see!

12. Sunflower

Hey, top twelve isn’t bad. Apologies to Van Gogh, but this is a little baby’s favorite flower. Get a grip. Sure, they make a lot of edible seeds, but besides that, they’re mostly stalk. Just a few tiny-ass petals. Like a TV show with a good pilot followed up by ten awful episodes. Get a few more blooms going, and we can talk again.

11. Lavender

Lavender, a flower named after the worst character in Harry Potter. Thanks, but I’ll pass. These tiny little purple flowers do smell pretty nice, but at what cost? They have become the scourge of farmer’s market stands, where everyone and their mother is selling lavender-scented soaps, satchets, pillows, and whathaveyous. Let other flowers have a chance!

10. Daisy

Daisies are cool for about one second. The bright pop of yellow and stark white petals are a nice iconic image to see in a field or a bouquet. But the closer you look the more boring they get. Have a little fun. Not every flower has to look like it was drawn by a kid who only owns two crayons. Vary it up a little! THere’s a whole spectrum of colors out there.

9. Tulip

Tulip? More like threelip! What does this mean? I do not know! Don’t ask me questions like that, I’m just a writer, not a clairvoyant. I can’t hate on tulips too much because I do love them in the spring. They're a sign of the wonderful summer to come. When we lived in Chicago our neighboring streets always had beds of tulips everywhere that just warmed up my old cracked heart. They do die very quickly, which I’m sure is a tempting metaphor for many a poet, so they get some points off for that. Also, they caused one of the first capitalist bubble bursts in Holland, which is pretty funny.

8. Roses

Roses are the golden retrievers of flowers. A classic that’s flooded the market to the point of oversaturation. Let some other flowers breathe! There’s a whole world of beautiful blooms out there. Sure, roses are nice, but it’s boring when you only see roses. It’d be like if you only watched Marvel movies. You’re just not letting yourself experience the best of what the flower world has to offer. Plus the thorns! They’re offering up too much inspiration to emo teen writers.

7. Daffodils

Now this is a yellow flower done right. Daisies and sunflowers should take some notes here. If you’re going to do yellow, you gotta really DO YELLOW. Also, their scientific name is Narcissus, so that’s pretty fun. JK Rowling really tricked kids into thinking that she was being clever with her character names. Also, quick tip, DON’T EAT THEM! They’re poisonous!.

6. Snapdragon

Properly known as Antirrhinum, which is the name of a city in a fantasy book if nothing else, snapdragons are sick. They look like fireworks on a stick. Popping with color and standing tall, these bad boys can turn any bouquet into a real stunner. They also sort of remind me of Marge from the Simpsons hair. I’m sure that’s just a me thing though. Plus, that’s a dope name for a plant. We need more things named after mythical creatures.

5. Lily of the Valley

All other lilies can kick rocks. Lily of the Valley is the only one that matters. Everything else is pure garbage. Those little upside-down bell shapes are some of the coolest blooms around. Whenever I see one, I feel like I’ve fallen into some pastoral novel about the beauty of hiking. Titled like "The Mountains and Me: How Green Grass, Tall Trees, and A Baby Deer Changed My Life.” Just real good work.

4. Chrysanthemum

I could watch a kaleidoscope video of a chrysanthemum bloom for hours on end. Just a spiraling, repeating pattern of their petals. Very pleasing. You could probably hypnotize someone just by twirling a chrysanthemum in front of their eyes. That’s the sign of a good flower. If only it wasn’t so hard to spell. Took me like twenty tries to get it into a state where autocprrect knew what I was trying to do.

3. Hydrangea

We have a couple of these in our yard which probably makes me a little biased, but whatever. These dudes are sick. Their blooms last a really long time, they’re very easy to keep alive, and just in general, they look awesome. Like colorful dandelion heads. They also look like little ghoul arms in the winter, which is a great bonus. More flowers should do that.

2. Aster

Ad Asters as they say. Purple really is the best color for flowers. Sorry yellow and red. Sucks to suck I guess. Asters remind me of fall, which is the best season, and therefore has some of the best flowers. The purple-yellow combo of the asters really shines, though I do hate to represent the Lakers in any fashion, which is why these come in second rather than first.

1. Lilacs

Like I said, purple is the best color for flowers. Lilacs just straight bang. There’s no if ands or buts about it. These little dudes have a bunch of cool flowers, never look too samey, and always offer a nice surprise when you see them. Plus, they come from a bush/tree, so that’s just extra bonus points right there. Go get some lilacs! I promise you’ll have a good day.

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