Gems, Ranked

Howie Ratner, call me back

Look, I know that jewelers, lapidarists, and the gem room curator at the Field Museum constantly have serious debates over what constitutes a “gem,” “precious stone,” or “semi-precious” stone. I will not wade into that debate. My stance remains that some stones and rocks are nice to look at and others are not as nice to look at. This list ranks the ones that are nice to look at.

As someone who has neither millions of dollars of disposable income nor the aesthetic sensibility to pull off jewelry, I will most likely never be the owner of any of these gems. That’s okay. They are all very cool to admire from afar. I will keep myself satisfied with that. Unless, dear reader, you would like to buy a huge-ass ruby for me. I’d take that. No questions asked.

Without further ado, here’s the list.

16. Quartz

Do not make me look at quartz. I do not enjoy it. I would rather eat a nail than look at quartz. It is disgusting. When I look at this horrible thing, all I can feel is the sensation of long fingernails scratching on a chalkboard. This is Spencer Pratt to me, and not just because he sorta looks like me. Quartz is a long nightmare that involves staring into the abyss and seeing a smug face trying to sell you on a healing journey staring back.

15. Agate

I am convinced agate is a scam perpetuated by rock shops to take money from nerdy thirteen-year-old boys and their dads. Sure, there are lots of cool-looking pictures of agate online, and fun examples in museums, but has anyone ever actually seen some in real life, let alone purchased from a store? Don’t think so! At best, you’ll get a few moldy-looking bits of crumbly barely agateunless you want to pay the real big bucks. Never the wavy rainbows promised. Avoid at all costs.

14. Sapphire

I wish I could rank sapphires higher. It is my birthstone after all. But it just does not do it for me. Sure, the blue is nice, but like, the sky is blue too. Blue is a humdrum color and I cannot rank it higher because of that. Give me some variegation, some pizzaz, some chutzpah. It’s the cheese pizza of gemstones. Sure, it’ll do in a pinch, but when am I in such a pinch that I can only have cheese pizza. Never! I’m an adult.

13. Moonstone

Moonstone can rip. Not always, not even usually, but occasionally a bit of moonstone can rock your world. Too bad it’s connected so closely to Tumblr witches. Normally, I’m a fan of reading about fantasy and the occult, but people who are into moonstone, are too into moonstone. It’s just a pretty rock! Chill out about it.

12. Amethyst

Now, amethyst I can get behind. A good gem. Uncut, it looks like what the inside of a grape should be. This is a pet theory of mine. The inside of grapes should resemble that of oranges. Thousands of tiny grape vesicles, pure purple in their glory. This is what unpolished, uncut amethyst looks like. Too bad you can’t eat it.

11. Garnet

Garnet, the poor man’s ruby. Not that there’s anything wrong with a nice garnet. Looks like a nice aged port, or something that a lesser vampire would wear to pin their cravat. It just doesn’t get over the hump. There’s not a lot of oohing and aahing when it comes to garnet. Like watching Joe Blanton pitch. Sure, it’ll stick around, gut through some innings, maybe even throw up a couple of highlights, but it’ll never win a Cy Young.

10. Jasper

Before any gemologists reading this tell me that Jasper is a type of quartz, think twice. I am a simple man and do not wish to argue with anyone on here. I like jasper; therefore, jasper is not quartz. Isn’t that nice that the world works like that? Back to jasper. I think it’s chill that brown gems can look cool. Far too frequently, brown is a forgotten color, brushed aside into the dustbin of history. But brown is a rich, fervent thing, capable of stunning and beautifying as much as any other hue. Jasper, and its fervid collection of browns offers such excellence.

9. Onyx

If I were an ancient lord of some sort of secluded isle, I would bury myself in a coffin made entirely of onyx. I’m sure several questions have already arisen in my readers’ minds. Let me address them.

1. Why? Seems badass.

2. Is that even possible? Who cares! I am the despot lord of an ancient isle in this scenario. My terrified subjects will make it happen.

3. How much would that cost? See the answer to question number two.

Hope everything makes sense now!

8. Jet

Why is jet, which, like the previous entry on this list, is almost completely black, ranked higher than onyx? Well, here at Dang Dude, it’s all about the shine. Jet has just a touch more of that ineffable quality that makes gems so mesmerizing. I wouldn’t want to be buried in it, but I would definitely want a crown made entirely of it, which is why I placed it ahead of onyx.

7. Tourmaline

As with many of the gems on this list, tourmaline comes in a litany of colors. Unlike many other gem varieties, all of tourmaline’s varieties are cool. Not a bad one in the bunch. While I’m partial to the indicolite variety, I’ll take any of them. Even the watermelon tourmaline, which normally I would think is a little corny, but it works in this case. Probably because the white part is usually clear, not white. It’d be cool to have a bracelet made up of a tourmaline rainbow. I’d look like the dopest New Age yoga master out there.

6. Pearl

When I eventually win the Powerball and have more money than I know what to do with, I’m going to buy a jean jacket with pearl snaps and pretend that I’m an extra in a neo-Western. A guy who dies in the first scene of a Cormac McCarthy book. Seems like a decent use of all that cash. Anyway, pearls are cool, even if they’re grown inside of oysters, often in a not very ethical manner. I once watched a video at the Art Institute in Chicago all about that. Gross.

5. Lapis Lazuli

Sometimes with gems, it is their perfect structures that make them beautiful. Other times, as is the case with lapis lazuli, it is their lack of uniformity that gives them their glory. Lapis Lazuli is both blue and not blue at the same time. A whirling kaleidoscope of greens, whites, golds, and blacks all on a dark blue background. The late summer sky come to life. Just don’t turn them into beads. That’s wack.

4. Opals

Look, I get that I have some odd opinions. But bear with me for a second. I think that we could achieve world peace if, once a week, everyone in the world listened to Dark Side of the Moon and stared at an opal. Like, really took a good look at it. Everyone would realize that we are but dust in the eye of the universe, and the world’s problems would be solved. Easy as pie. Until that wonderful day, I’ll just settle for looking at one of these bad boys by myself.

3. Rubies

Rubies are the good stuff. The villain’s gem. You know it’s going to be a good action movie when the bad guy is obsessed with rubies. Or if the evil sword has a giant ruby in the hilt. That’s where the juice is. The only gem I ever want to be trapped inside is a giant ruby. All that red light would be very calming and good for my skin.

2. Diamonds

I get it, everyone loves diamonds. And they’re neat, they really are! You can make a rainbow come out of them. Diamonds are good for a lot of stuff, like lasers, and World Series rings, but, c’mon. We get it. Diamonds are forever. You know what else is forever? Cancer-causing chemicals and some microplastics. It’s not that cool to be forever. Limited shelf-life really adds some value.

1. Emeralds

The Wizard of Oz had it right, emeralds rock. Green is just a sick color for a gem. The color of trees, grass, and my high school English teacher’s 2001 Honda Civic. Emeralds capture everything that is right in the world. I want to get some emerald lenses in my glasses so that I can see the world as it should be, not as it is. Emerald is the top gem by a half-mile at least.

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