As someone who as ingested too much genre fiction, I often think of where I would go if a zombie apocalypse occurred in the United States. After much thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that Montana makes the most sense as a place from which to rebuild. It has low population density, large amounts of natural resources, abundant arable land, big enough urban centers to allow for rich scavenging opportunities, it’s not hard to reach from most places in the continental United States, and has large amounts of easily accessible water. A paradise for those looking to survive in a post-human wasteland. While it certainly wouldn’t work to live in Montana if the eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano caused the apocalypse, in most other apocalypse scenarios – ecological, atomic, germ – Montana would top the list of desirable locations. Having come to this conclusion, I’ve decided that purchasing land in Montana as a hedge against the apocalypse is a reasonable solution. While I currently make a graduate student’s wage, which can accurately be described as “a pittance”, and the fact that an apocalypse would most likely see the end of property law thus making my purchase meaningless, that has not stopped me from perusing Zillow for reasonably priced Montana land. Here are some of my favorites. If anyone wants to go in with me on one of these, just let me know. I can probably afford to put $200 towards it. Click the links to see the full listings.
A steal at just $7.7 million dollars. This property affords all the amenities someone could want once zombies have wipedout most of the population. Fresh water, mountains, and arable land. There also appears to be a mine close-by, which would provide valuable space to create an underground bunker. While the house itself may not look like much, you’ll have a lot of time to build it up once you move in. Truly, a must have.
The number one selling point of this place is that it comes with a chicken. Fresh meat and eggs will come at a premium during the apocalypse, so having the beginnings of a poultry farm will be worth its weight in gold. In addition, this place looks like a leftover piece of programming from Fallout 4. The denuded lawn, decrepit building, weird firepit, it all fits in with that aesthetic. In addition, the lack of mountains means that invaders will be visible from miles away. You could even build a moat if you wanted. Who hasn’t wanted a moat?
I know, I know. This picture looks like it was taken a cellphone camera from 2005. Try to get past that, not everyone is an Ansel Adams in the making. This property is a steal. You may be looking at this listing and thinking, “where the heck is the house?” That’s the wrong first move. I, a professional, look at this listing and think, “I can dig an underground bunker on this barren stretch of land, where no one will ever find me.” Houses are easy to spot, bunkers are not. Let that rhyme guide you into our post-apocalyptic future.
Remember what I just said about bunkers and their prediliction for camoflauge? Here is a perfect pre-built example. This cozy home in a hill provides both top-tier opsec and homey vibes. If you’ve ever wanted to pretend to be a hobbit, than this place is a steal. At only $400,000 you’d be a fool to not go dutch on me with this. And by dutch I mean I’ll contribute $200.
Will Christmas exist after the doom of the world? Probably not. It will most likely transform into a ritual celebrating the coming of the World Eater, Dagon. But that doesn’t mean that people still won’t need pine trees to decorate their homes, in honor of the chthonic Prince of Gibbering Madness. Get in on the ground floor of a new industry with piece of property that’s just covered in various types of evergreens. No need to starve in the new world of incomprehensible horrors!
Located near Cox Creek, this house took much inspiration from that body of water. Featuring an unusual architectural appendage, this house isn’t afraid to stick out its head. Featuring a rare “base and shaft” design, this house circumscribes it’s environment. While the lawn appears to be freshly mown, no doubt future owners could also maintain a more natural, bushy look if desired. Just know that because of its hard wood construction in the winter this house is prone to some slight shrinkage.
Compounds will be quite popular in the aftermath of the zombie uprising. Many hands make light work, as they say. This piece of property, a cheap $4.25 million, would be perfect for whatever sort of commune, cult, or anarcho-syndicalist haven you’d like to establish. Featuring multiple ready-to-use buildings, with room for more, this place would be perfect for any type of budding prophet, yogi, or first-among-equals. Comes with sizeable amounts of farmland, and more than one warehouse for your store of pamphlets/weird Midsommar rituals.
I’ll be honest, this place would not be good to wait out the apocalypse in. It’s not very defensible, hard to heat, and just waiting to be burned down by a horde of highwaymen. On the other hand, just look at that tub. Have you ever seen anything that beautiful? I don’t think so. Imagine, the world is falling to pieces around you and you get to relax in a nice wood tub, reading Whitman as the rest of the world is devoured by flesh hungry zombies. Perfection. As a bonus, the tub looks polished so you probably won’t get splinters in your gooch.
There is a 100% chance that someone has died in this house. That’s fine, a friendly but venegeful ghost is a good thing to have on your side, when you need to fight off various Mad Max archetypes on a daily basis. Featuring plenty of broken furniture, a pleathora of rusty nails, and a cornicopia of flickering lights, this is a virtual playhouse for someone looking to use a fusion of Casper the Friendly Ghost and Home Alone as their protection strategy. As an added bonus you are only legally allowed to have septic tanks for two of the three bathrooms. Stinky!
Have you ever wanted to feel like Robert Redford in that one meme? Well this is the place for that. At only $789,000 these 2 acres of land, with plenty of river frontage could be yours for a steal. Zombies CANNOT cross running water, so you’d be safe if you built a house in the middle of the river. Which is easy enough if you’ve watched even a miniscule amount of HGTV. Just buy a couple of blow-up pool toys and some string and you’ve got a foundation.
Once again, if you’re interested in buying any of this property I will gladly go in with you. Both our names on the deeds and I will contribute up to $200. Please reach out.
I see what you did there with Cox Creek hee hee. And while I've always dreamed of owning a home that might reek with a corpse as well as sewage, Chicken's Delight wins hand down for me, a veritable steal at $220,000 for all that grandeur...