Hot Tubbing in The USA

Bruce Springsteen made the correct decision to not record this song

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Less than 48 hours ago I was chilling in a hot tub with five of my favorite dudes on the planet. (Thanks for the great bachelor party guys!) Based on that experience I can now say, with the highest degree of confidence, that hot tubs are the pinnacle achievement of the American Experiment.

I know this sounds like one of those joke posts that I do on here occasionally, but it is not. Most assuredly it is not. I do not take examinations of American history lightly, so please, take these next few hundred words as seriously as I do.

There are many things in contention for “Greatest American Achievement.” The Berlin Airlift, Disney, D-Day, Frank Lloyd Wright’s houses, and that’s just all in the last century. I’ve got problems with all of these things, however. Some because of the military aspect, some because of the racism, and others because they don’t seem that typically “American.” Of course, the way I’m defining American here is completely obtuse, unclear, and ever-changing. Naturally, I’m going to use it as a rhetorical cudgel throughout the rest of this newsletter.

So why hot tubs? Most Americans do not have one, or even regular access to one. Despite their presence in the dank basements of more than a few fraternities, they are a decidedly luxury item. Not an old money luxury item, but a gauche new money thing. Owner of a suburban car dealership luxury item. They are very annoying to take care of, break frequently, and require specialty maintenance when they do break. I’m sure they’re awful for the environment, in any number of ways. Even people who do have them probably seldom use them, except when guests are visiting, or if they’re real freaks. It would seem then, that hot tubs are generally a far bigger nuisance than they are worth.

I am not going to argue that any of the above is wrong. It is precisely because of the above qualities that I think hot tubs are the pinnacle achievement of the American Experiment.

I guess I should give a little insight into what I mean when I say, “American Experiment.” The United States by most measurements is a young country. It is a country based not on a shared ethnicity or long-term history, but on a love of consumption. Since the successes of the Industrial Revolution in the post-Civil War period, much of the history of the United States has revolved around people have been looking for newer and better things and ways to consume. This is what I mean when I talk about the American Experiment.

When looked at through that lens it should become immediately clear that hot tubs are the apex of American consumer achievement. The first fully self-contained jacuzzi units, named after their inventor Roy Jacuzzi, were invented in 1968 and reached their height of popularity in the 70s and 80s, a period of intense worship of consumerism. So, they came about at the birth of Reagan-era America, ready to take over and represent the excesses of American wealth. Their instability, fickle nature, and lack of utility are the whole point. You’ve got to keep spending money to take care of this thing that you only use on special occasions. If that’s not real luxury I don’t know what is.

That last paragraph makes it seem like I hate hot tubs. I don’t. It’s a nice bath, with messaging jets that you can take outside. Most of the new ones have cup holders, and some even have internal speakers. That’s exceedingly cool. If I had the money and space to have a hot tub I 100,000% would get a hot tub. The dream is to have a hot tub that I can use in the middle of winter, one that sits under a deck with a roof. Just chilling in the hot tub as snow falls around you. Maybe I’m reading a book or a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. That would rule so hard. The possibilities are fully endless.

I don’t want to go as far as to say that there should be a hot tub in every house in America. That would be exceedingly inefficient and frankly quite ridiculous. Far too broad an embrace of consumer culture for Dang Dude. I thought about trying to make a half-baked argument about how the size of hot tubs, which usually comfortably fit 4-6 people, can lead to closer-knit communities, but that was a dead end. Mostly I just want to say that hot tubs are great when you’re on vacation, or a bachelor party, or a weekend trip and that’s about it. Despite all my talk in the paragraphs above, taking care of a hot tub seems like way too much work. I’ll take my luxuries elsewhere thank you.

So what am I saying here? If you have a hot tub, enjoy it! If you happen to get the opportunity to take a soak, do it! You’ll sleep like a damn baby that night I can guarantee it. But, if you’re deciding between a hot tub and a new deck or whatever? Go with the deck. The hot tub is much better as a treat than a regular part of your diet.  

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