How To Plan A Feast
A feast of roast beast is eaten in the East, who had the least yeast at this feast? The Priest?
Feast Season has begun. The weather has turned cold in Chicago, restaurants are shutting down their outside seating, the farmer’s market has begun selling more apples than seems physically possible, and scarfs have moved from the dark recesses of people’s closets onto so many previously bare necks. All of this means that Feast Season is upon us! In the United States Feast Season, also known as “The Forbidden Season,” encompasses the two weeks before Halloween and lasts until one week after New Year’s Day. Feast Season is – to use the word in the definition – all about feasts. Feasts of the eyes, of the ears, feasts of touch, feasts of smell, but most importantly, feasts of taste. The three big ones, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, and New Years all usually involve a giant feast. Halloween, has it’s own feast as well, typically of the sugar variety. Feasts on Feasts on Feasts. But these fine repasts do not appear magically on the tables! We do not live in the pre-capitalist hellscape of Harry Potter World where you can purchase 14 life-long serfs with a gold coin. No, we just live in a capitalist hellscape. Much different. We have to make the feasts ourselves. And the worst part about these feasts is that someone has to make them happen. Most of us do not have the type of money that allows someone to make a feast appear on their tables without a second thought. Work needs to be done! While feasts are delicious, they do take a lot of planning, especially the menu. With that in mind, here are some tips on how to plan a perfect feast.
Get a Helper – The first thing to realize about making a feast is that you cannot do it yourself. One of the best things about feasts is their communal nature. One person eating a giant shovelful of turkey is sad/the basis of a Monty Python sketch. But 2-20 people eating similar-sized shovelfuls of turkey together? Now that’s cool and fun. And your sorry-ass will not make enough turkey and sides for 2-20 people without some help! You will need some help! Not even Julia Child herself could do it without an army of cooks behind her. So enlist two or three people to help you with the prep. Call them your “sous-chefs” and force them to call you “chef.” Do whatever you want. Just remember that when you are elbow deep in a turkey cavity you need to trust whoever is holding the filet knife.
Go Big or Go Home – DO NOT WIMP OUT! Now is your time to shine! Don’t shrivel up into a little mewling baby in the corner because you saw the word “spiralize.” You can plan a ginormous meal, it’ll be good, and no one can say shit about it! Cook a full rump roast. Make goose! Whip up some octopus. Bake a pie. The world is your oyster, and hey, why not make some of those too! Don’t just sit back and do the traditional boring stuff. Believe in yourself. You can make the thing that takes 5 hours and ten different pans. Try it. Everyone will say it’s good don’t worry.
Have Fun – Don’t stress out about this. Who gives a shit if you mess up? You can just get pizza or Chinese or whatever and it will turn into a fun family story. The people you’re feasting with will still love you. And if they don’t? The never loved you in the first place. So have some damn fun. Play some music while you cook. Drink a beer or a glass of wine. Shape the biscuits so they look like your uncle’s head. Don’t worry about if your Aunt Mary has a better roasted potato than you. She’s not cooking! You are.
Do a Drink – Everyone loves a cocktail. Especially if it has a little extra thing sticking out of it like a lemon twist or an umbrella. The truth about cocktails is that you can pre-mix them ahead of time, sock them in the fridge/freezer and they will be great on feast day. Find a cool recipe, make it a day ahead of time, and call it your specialty cocktail. Add a sprig of rosemary or mint or a cocktail wiener, and everyone will go nuts for it! Give it a fun name and you’ll go down in feast legend. Plus, the more alcohol people have in them the less they’ll taste your food.
Sides are Important Too – As much as you might want to focus on a showstopper main dish, and you should, you can’t forget the sides. A good roll or excellent green beans will make or break any feast. Try to do stuff that’s in-season. In the winter that means lots of root vegetables. But root vegetables rule, so don’t worry! You’ve got helpers now, so you can make them work on the sides while you put the finishing touches to the main dishes. Also, pro-tip always have a salad. People love salads. Makes them feel healthy, even if there is bacon in it.
Make Someone Else Do The Dishes – Fuck doing the dishes. You just cooked for a long ass time. Leave that to literally anyone else.
Have a good feast, and as the Germans say, Große Essen!
Here is a funny video