I Want to Be A Small Mouse That Lives in A Conservatory But Also Has A Sword
This would be great for mee
In a perfect world, a world that is real but currently only exists in the plane of the Platonic ideal, I am a small mouse living in the Garfield Park and Phipps Conservatories who has a sword.[1] Specifically, once again, this is a world that does exist, but is not currently accessible by humans. In this absolutely non-fictitious world, I am a European wood mouse who carries and uses a rapier quite effectively. I wish nothing more than to be there right now. In case you were wondering, in this world, I am still named Dylan. It’s a good name for this mouse.
Why I would want to be a mouse who is rather good at using a sword should, of course, be perfectly clear. Mental waters still a little muddy for you? Take a second to think about it. What’s cooler than a mouse with a sword? Not just any sword either. A rapier, the most whippy and pointy of the swords. I’d have a cool belt made of braided grass to sheath the sword in, and I’d do all types of tricks and flips with the assistance of my tail. Like the fight scene between the Dread Pirate Roberts[2] and Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride, only this scenario, I’m a mouse and just showing off for my friends, not fighting for my life/honor. Either way, the draw to be a mouse with a sword is obvious.
What is not clear is why I want to live in a combination of two conservatories and not a forest. Allow me to assuage your concerns. First, and most importantly, conservatories are sick! I just went to the Phipps Conservatory with my cousin Abbie and her husband Ben the other day. It was awesome. My wife and I used to go to the Garfield Park Conservatory every Valentine’s Day until we moved out of Chicago. It’s also badass. Secondly, finding such oases of green in cities can feel like a miracle at times. The increased oxygen levels, mind-calming symmetries of the plants, and the explosions of color are all great for the psyche and even offer great health benefits. Finally, many conservatories offer great educational opportunities for students of all ages, and introduce school children to plants from all over the world. Why would I not want to live in one?
But that is not all. In fact, the above paragraph only describes why humans should go to conservatories, not why I would want to be a mouse that resides in them. Let me walk you through it. Think about the last time you were in a conservatory. There was probably a room with some moss in it. Like a lot of moss. If you’ve ever been to the Garfield Park Conservatory, you know exactly which room I’m talking about. Now think about how comfortable it would be to sleep on that moss every night. Or just take a quick nap. I can only imagine that it would be extremely chill to get some REM on a bit of moss. Especially if you’re a mouse. The best sleep of your life. To a mouse, that moss would be like the biggest California King in the world.
It's not just moss either. Exploring and walking among the cacti that are invariably at a conservatory would be awesome. Swimming in a reflective pool, munching on some herbs, having a party in an orchid garden. That would all be amazing. A beautiful fantasy forest that you can live in. A fantasy forest without bugs, too, unless you count the occasional butterfly, which I certainly don’t. Plus, there are no natural – or unnatural – predators. In this perfect world, which again, exists, but not in a reality accessible to me, there are no humans, stoats, or voles to come in and wreck your shit. You can just have a good time chilling in nature. What is not to love?
My sharp-eyed readers who spent too much time in the public library are perhaps thinking of the Redwall series of books by Brian Jacques. This is only partially what this world looks like. For one, the moral structure of Redwall is a bit of a mess. In those books, a character’s species determines their goodness or badness, and they can never change. In my world, if I want to hang out with a fox, I should be able to without having to worry if they’re going to kill me or not. Moral quandaries aside, the folks at Redwall Abbey get into too much trouble all the time, and I don’t need to deal with that. I’m not trying to prevent the local stoat population from stealing all my elderflower tea or whatever it is they do. I don’t even know what a stoat is.[3] Like a weird weasel, I guess? Also, I don’t want to have to deal with monastery politics or any of the religious stuff that comes along with it. Redwall might influence this world, but it certainly does not circumscribe it.
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This, of course, begs the question: why do I need a sword, if I will not be fighting various reptiles and rodents all the time? The answer to this is easy. I’d look cool as hell. This has already been addressed a few paragraphs above. Please keep up, a better world is waiting for all of us.
So, I have answered all the relevant questions about this truly perfect world. But this perfect world is not attainable. Fortunately, I have another, more feasible idea. A world that is almost, but not quite, as good as the one I just described. In this world, I would live, as a human, in a conservatory. This conservatory, a mash-up of the Phipps and Garfield Park one, would be constructed on such a massive scale that while inside I would feel like I was a mouse. Not just feel but be an exact proportional reverse of the mouse idea. That is, I, a regular-sized human, would be able to sleep on a moss bed and do all the cool stuff I would be able to do if I were a mouse living in a regular conservatory. Doesn’t this just sound like a dream?
Many of you, I am sure, will find this particular newsletter silly. Please, look inside your heart and tell me that you would truly not want to live this life. If you look hard and deep enough, I am sure that you will realize just how right I am. Go to your local conservatory and see what I’m talking about.
[1] In this world, these two conservatories, which are in Chicago and Pittsburgh respectively, are connected via some sort of unobtrusive portal. I won’t get into the math, but it involves string theory and is technically, theoretically, possible.
[2] No spoilers!
[3] This is a deep Redwall pull. You’re welcome.
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Cool story bro.