Instruments, Ranked

The first truly legit ranking of the instruments

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Orchestras rule. Few things on this planet are more beautiful than the music produced by a full orchestra playing at the height of their powers. From terrifyingly bombastic symphonies to utterly ethereal sonatas with a stop at chilly modernistic tone poems along the way, orchestras can do it all. While the creation and implementation of city-funded orchestras has a pretty racist and classist history, problems that still exist today, the music they produce is unimpeachable. It’s hard to beat listening to world-class musicians playing at the top of their game. There’s something so alchemic to see a hundred-plus people playing perfectly in sync. So, I’m going to ignore all of that and rank the instruments in an orchestra.

While each orchestra has a different make-up, a pretty standard set of instruments is reflected in each. It might seem like sacrilege to rank them all, each instrument has a different job to do which can change depending on what piece of music is being played, but I’m going to go ahead and rank them anyway. It’s my newsletter! I won’t include things like glockenspiels, bass flutes, or soprano saxophones, but I’ll hit on the big ones. As always, these rankings are perfect and if you disagree with them, you’re wrong.

17. Piccolo

            No offense but get real. Just play the flute. The piccolo is basically a tin whistle you could get out of a 1960s cereal bag. Kiddie crap. Grow up! No one wants to hear your little sub-dog whistle noise. ­An instrument best suited to playing in a DIII marching band.

16. Harp

            The harp is fine, but it’s not great. I mean sure, if you want something that sounds like an ethereal fairy garden, you need a harp. Outside of that, who cares? The harp is an aesthetic statement rather than a really good quality musical instrument. It looks cool, but it really has no heft. It’s also apparently very hard to play, so I feel – and this has no basis in reality – like harp players are all a little full of themselves.

15. Trombone

            If John Philip Sousa was the only composer to exist, then trombones would be much higher on this list. However, Sousa is not the only composer to exist, so trombones fall way down here. Trombones are better suited to ska bands than they are to orchestras. They’re just far too goofy to make a valuable impression. The worst kid in your third-grade class always played the trombone.

14. Tuba

            Oompa loompa doopity doo-ass instrument. Get outta here! While tubas provide a nice little base note, they look and sound like a Dr. Suess character. C’mon! No one has ever asked for or needed a tuba solo.

13. Viola

            Just as a piccolo is a flute for babies, viola is a violin for children. Sorry you missed out on being a violinist and had to pick up the viola just so you could find a spot in the orchestra. It’s the Rick Ankiel of instruments. Don’t get that reference? That’s fine. Just know that violas are the Betamax to violin’s VHS. Occasionally, you’ll get a killer viola line, but for the most part, they’re background noise.

12. Double bass

            Normally you’d think, double the bass, double the fun. In this case, though, you’d be mistaken. Composers never really know what to do with the double bass. *Cue the three classical music heads reading this emailing me a thousand times each* These poor guys get lost in the shuffle far too often to be higher up in the rankings. I dig the sound of double bass, but they’ve gotten far too short a shrift to rank higher. What could have been?

11. Oboe

            All oboes know how to do is honk like a dang goose. While I know oboes are a huge part of the orchestra, they help tune everyone before concerts, they just look ridiculous. Like the oboist is drinking from a really bulky straw. Also, when I played in middle school band, the kid who played oboe got burned so bad that I lost all respect for the instrument. A big L for oboes.

10. Clarinet

            The clarinet gets a bad rap for being the instrument that every kid plays in fourth grade. Some of that hate is deserved, clarinet is the vanilla of an orchestra, but not all of it is. When played well the clarinet is a beautiful instrument, capable of producing both bombast and grace in equal measure. It just doesn’t have the stature or clarity of purpose to be higher up in the rankings.  

9. Piano

            Piano is probably a little too high on this list. While pianos on their own are amazing, magic in 88 keys, in an orchestra they tend to get a little lost. I find that their addition often subtracts from the piece, putting the focus on the piano rather than the entire orchestra. That being said, a well-timed piano melody is a thing of wonder. You’ve just got to be confident that you can pull it off.

8. Flute

            Flutes are nice. They can be great even. But can they ever be exceptional? Unfortunately, no. You need them, and they can sound very pretty, but they can never quite get over the hump to amazing. They’re always just a little too Nutcracker you know. Great for that, not for some other stuff. Sorry to all the excellent flute players reading this.

7. Timpani

            I freaking love a timpani drum. Those big kettle drums are just the best. Booming. The perfect round mounds of sounds. If I could make a doorbell out of timpani drums I would. The only reason that they’re not number one on this list is that they’re not that versatile. They do like three or four things really really really well, but are not great at a lot of other stuff. Timpani will always have a special place in my heart though.

6. Violin

            Violins are really great. Amazing. Excellent. The backbone of any orchestra. Classical music lives and dies with its violins. Keeping all that in mind, like it’s a little much you know? A little basic to just make violins number one. They’re great. Can’t do anything without ‘em. But it goes to their head a little bit. That whole first chair thing? Get over yourself! Save some room for everyone else.

5. Cello

            *Jack Black voice* Cello, it’s a bass! Cellos, as opposed to its cousin the double bass, is an *ahem* instrumental part of the orchestra. Can’t have one without them. Cellos provide those bright full notes that tie everything together. They might not be as big as stars as the violins but they make everything work. A true instrument’s instrument.

4. French horn

            French horns rule. They look cool, they sound amazing in the Star Wars soundtrack, and they have just the perfect amount of mystery around them. Like what type of person even plays the French horn? A very cool spy type person I’d guess. A world traveler. On top of the mystique, that perfect high brass tone is hard to beat. When you get a French horn solo? Oooooooooh, that’s the good stuff. Need more French horn.

3. Voice

            Okay. I need everyone reading this to put on a pair of really nice headphones or fire up some good speakers. Find a way to listen to Otto Kelmperer’s 1957 recording of Beethoven’s Ninth. Wait until the voices come in during the Ode to Joy. Tell me that just isn’t the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard in your life. Oh, man. The addition of voices to an orchestra just really brings everything over the top. Can’t say enough good things.

2. Bassoon

            The humble bassoon. The thinking man’s clarinet. The bassoon does not get enough credit for being the engine that drives the orchestra. It can play tenor and bass, it looks cool as all get out. Like a didgeridoo but not lame. Bassoons also often get to evoke the voice of “evil” guys, like the Devil in Night on Bald Mountain. They also provide the voice of the Grandfather in Peter and the Wolf. That’s pretty sick. Give me more bassoon!

1. Trumpet

            Ahh, the king of orchestral instruments. Never to be beaten. Truly the heart and soul of any orchestra. Trumpets get all the best lines, not because they’re prima donnas but because they deserve it. The true heroes of any orchestral piece. Trumpets are the Lebron James of orchestras. Able to do it all and keep doing it at a high level for a very long time. First ballot hall of famers. Trumpets can blow you away with their power and amaze you with their delicate touch. They can put a fire in your heart and bring tears to your eyes in a few seconds flat. Holy heck! Trumpets rule.

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