Jalapeño Popper Paradise
If the lead singer of Blues Traveler was from Philly and made these they'd be John Popper's Jawn Poppers
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I am not a spice head. I don’t seek out the hottest things to eat. I don’t regularly douse my food in hot sauce. When I do eat spicy stuff, I usually need to drink approximately three gallons of water to wash it down. This is not to say that I’m one of those people who think garlic is spicy or whatever. I don’t mind a little heat if it’s nothing more than a chipotle pepper and I did once manage to ingest and keep down a million Scoville unit hot sauce, so there is that. I just don’t need to burn my dang tongue off when I’m eating you know?
Now that I’ve noted my lack of heat credentials, it’s time to write about one of my favorite things to grill, jalapeño poppers. This spicy little flavor bomb is perfect for whatever grilling you might do, either today or over the next couple of weeks. They’re cheap, easy to make, and look impressive. The grilling trifecta.
A note. Jalapeño Poppers are not good for you. This recipe especially. Like most things Americans eat on the Fourth of July, this is a celebration of excess. They’re full of salt, fat, and various preservatives. In short, they’re delicious. So, who is to say if they are good or bad for you? I shall not be casting the first stone when it comes to that question.
If you search through TikTok for popper recipes, you’ll most likely come upon various culinary horrors reserved for only the most hedonistic of appetites. Sausage-covered, cheese-filled, deep-fried monstrosities. Not to say that I wouldn’t eat them, but I also would hesitate before telling people that I did consume one. My version of the popper, while still caloric, does not quite reach the Dionysian heights of other recipes. It shows some restraint. So that’s nice.
Your shopping list for this side dish is quite simple – jalapeños, a brick of cream cheese, bacon, and toothpicks. Oh, and food prep safe gloves. That’s it.
Construction of the poppers is simple. While wearing those gloves, cut the stems off the jalapeños. Do not take those gloves off! You do not want to get jalapeno juice on your hands and then subsequently into your eyes. I can tell you from experience that it’s not a great time. Once the tops have been removed from the jalapeños slice them all in half lengthwise. From tip-to-tail as they say. You’ll end up with a bunch of what looks like green boats. If you’re looking at a bunch of tubes you messed up and cut the peppers crosswise. Not my fault.
At this point, you have a decision to make. There will still be plenty of seeds and what looks like white flesh on the inside of the peppers. These are full of capsaicin, the thing that makes jalapeños spicy. You can remove all the seeds and the white fibrous material if you’d like a milder popper. If you’re a nasty little heat freak, then leave it in. They’ll still be spicy, but a reduction of heat level is possible if you’d prefer. Fun fact, doctors have found that applications of capsaicin can allow patients who have lost feeling in various limbs to regain that feeling.
After you’ve made your decision on what to do with the capsaicin and while you continue to wear your gloves, take your boats and spread the cream cheese on the inside of each jalapeño. Here you can add as little or as much as you like. I’d say a decent-sized spoonful should be enough for each popper. I’d caution against overloading the poppers with cream cheese as that raises the danger of it falling out during the grilling process.
Once your poppers have been loaded with cream cheese it’s time for the bacon. Cut a few strips of bacon in half and wrap each half around the pepper. Secure the bacon with a toothpick. Place the wrapper on a tray. Some cream cheese might stick out from underneath the bacon, or the entire jalapeno might not be covered in bacon. That’s fine! We’re not going for full coverage here, just enough bacon to cover most of the popper. You can even leave some unwrapped if you have vegetarians at your grill out. If you have cashew cream cheese or something you could also very easily make these vegan-friendly.
The final step is putting these puppies on the grill. I like to put them over indirect heat at first to give the bacon some time to crisp up without getting burnt and to give the cheese a chance to get melty. If you are opposed to both of those things you can just throw them directly over the coals too. Once the bacon is fully cooked, they’re ready to eat.
That’s it. Easy! No time at all. I’d just warn your guests that there are toothpicks in the poppers that they will most likely want to avoid. They’ll also be hot and juicy, so watching out for various food sprays is probably the optimal experience for most popper masticators. Sorry that the previous sentence is so gross.
Some people like to serve their poppers with a dip. That’s fine! Feel free to do so. Raspberry jam is a particularly exquisite au jus to have with poppers. But if you’re trying to keep prep to a minimum they also don’t need anything else. They’re good as is.
Jalapeño poppers don’t have to be a grilling thing either. They’d be just as good in a regular oven or an air fryer.
While this may be coming out too late for some people’s Fourth plans, allow me to suggest that you can eat these things whenever the hell you want. Don’t let some dumb holiday control your popper enjoyment.
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