Let's Turn Dylan Into A Lumberjack
But like a fake one, I don't want to do any actual work, re: cutting down trees
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Someone needs to give me 2.2, well let’s make it 2.5 just to be safe, million dollars. Immediately. STAT. ASAP. On the double. Why? There is a house that I want to purchase. If you are interested in purchasing this house for me, please let me know at once. I can be emailed through Substack and will respond promptly. Serious inquiries only.
I am referring to this house specifically:
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/11-Gartley-Dr-Greenville-ME-04441/2062705545_zpid/
Located in Beaver Cove, Maine, this gorgeous piece of property is perfect for someone who is interested in buying a nice gift for me. According to Zillow dot com this place was once known as Beaver Creek Cabins and Gartley’s Store. While I could find no publicly available information on Gartley that name does sound like the noise you’d make if you were eating a giant pork chop and someone made you laugh just a little too hard. So hopefully that helps. Gartley. See, laugh-choking on a bit of pork chop last name.
The property itself has about 1500 feet of shore frontage on Moosehead Lake. That sounds great. Longer than a football field. Think of all the wonderful things I could do on the frontage. Read a book, build a firepit, walk my dog, and hang out with my friends and family! And that’s just a limited list of activities! There’s a whole world to explore. The property itself is about 10 acres and comes with fishing rights, a private well, and private woods. Very Calvin and Hobbes. It would be a neat, cool, and beautiful present for you to get me, whichever of my beautiful readers is hoping to buy me a nice gift.
Now some of you may be scrolling through the pictures on the site and wondering why anyone would want to buy what looks like ten cabins taken straight out of a Stephen King novel. Yes, I admit, they look a little rough. A little murder-y. Very Evil Dead vibes. Potential buyers might also be wondering why I would want a piece of property that doesn’t have a big house built on it already, or somewhere without hookups to the local power grid, and is not accessible by paved road. Well, let me assure you that I’ve thought about it already. No need to think about that part of it at all. I mean first of all, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? A $2.2 million property is still a $2.2 million property. Secondly, 2.2 million for 10 acres of prime lakeside land. In this economy? It’s a steal. A steal and a half. Perfect for giving a gift to your favorite Substack writer. Thirdly, you won’t be living there, so who cares how it looks? It’ll be my butt that has to live in what could pass for the Unabomber’s cabin, not yours. Finally, some people might also call attention to the picture of an outhouse that is prominently displayed in this posting. To those haters I simply must say, get your own benefactor to buy you a house, damn. Leave me be.
I, of course, have used this space before to ask people to buy me things. Most memorably, a movie theater. So far no one has taken up the call. That’s okay. I will keep striving to make this happen. I got a vision board about it and everything.
I think part of the problem is that people think I’m not serious about this. That I’m doing this as a joke, because I couldn’t think about anything else to write about. Please be assured that I am 100% not joking about this. I am deadly serious. There are maybe only two things in the world I want more than for someone to buy this house for me out of the kindness of their hearts.
There are, of course, a few logistical things to figure out here. One is the actual sale. As someone who has never purchased a house before I’m not quite sure how this would work. Preferably, you’d just wire transfer me all $2.2 million and then I would handle it from there. I’m not looking for someone who needs take on a mortgage here. I want someone who can deal in cold hard cash. If cash isn’t possible then I guess some sort of fund or escrow account can be set up in my name. If we must. In any case, the sale needs to go through within a matter of days. Time is of the essence. They say fishing in Maine is best during the summer and I want to get a full season in before the winter freeze.
I also have a few terms and conditions. One, the purchaser doesn’t really get to hold this over me. They don’t get to constantly remind me about how they “bought me a house.” We get it, I’m grateful, no need to keep bringing it up. Secondly, my name is on of the deed. Sorry, that’s a deal-breaker. This will not be a house you’re loaning me, but my house. Thirdly, unless I really like you, you probably won’t ever get to visit. That’s the price you pay for giving someone a great gift! And anyway, if you have 2.2 milly to spare on a stranger from the internet you can probably afford your own abandoned campground in Maine. That’s just the facts. So, no need to visit mine.
Oh also, you’ll need to pay the property tax on the place. It’s probably more than I can afford. Factor that into your calculations!
I think my sales pitch has gotten away from me a little bit. In short, I want you, yes you, to buy me this piece of property in Maine. I’d be forever grateful. It’s not that expensive for what you’re, sorry I’m, getting, and would allow me the freedom to act like the fake lumberjack that I so aspire to be. I’ll get to wear so much flannel and waxed canvas Carhartt will name their company after me. It’ll be great.
So just think about it. Let me know if you’re interested. A real great opportunity to get in on the ground floor here. You never know what good things may come your way if you buy me this place.