Before I get started, I just want to give a shoutout to my paid subscribers. You all rock! I’ve been doing this for over three years and it’s crazy that people still read! If you also want to be cool as hell you can do a paid subscription below. Writing these things takes time and effort, and a little money makes these easier to do. It’s probably the chillest thing you can do and helps me keep Dang Dude going. Also, it’s cheap! Also, I want to thank the rest of you that signed up to get these newsletters from me. It’s super awesome to have so many people support my writing! Let’s get even more people involved! Tell your friends, tell your family, get everyone to sign up for this! They’ll love it!
This post is about salad dressing. Specifically about this salad dressing. If you didn’t click on those links – most people don’t, which is fine! – this salad dressing is a salad dressing for rich people. As described by Brooke Shields, “It’s made by this French man who fought in the war. He came back after being stationed in France and couldn’t find a good French dressing, so he created his own... It’s been in my stepmom’s refrigerator and my refrigerator for maybe 30 or 40 years now.”
Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that this article is from 2018. This may raise the question of why I’m writing an newsletter about Brooke Shield’s salad dressing from 2018. Trust me, we’ll get there. First though, I want to address something about the maker of this salad dressing. First off, Shields is incredibly vague about who is making this salad dressing, describing him only as French, and having fought in “the war.” My first thought whenever someone says, “The War,” is World War II. This is reasonable assumption, I think. After some quick math however, I’ve started to have more questions.
Let me explain. Assuming the man in question was 18 when WWII started in 1939, the man in question would have been 97 years old when these articles were written. It is possible that a 97-year-old is still making salad dressing every day, but it seems unlikely. Now, given the time and severity of the war in France, he might have been younger, but even if he was 11 in 1939 he would have been 90 years old at the time of the article. Of course, if Brooke Shields meant a different war than all my calculations are off. This would raise more questions, such as why Shields would refer to like the First Indochina War as “The War, ” but I digress. The second question I have revolves around this mystery dressing maker’s role in the war. Shields is once again cagey on this. She says that he was a French Man, who “came back after being stationed in France.” This doesn’t really make sense. If he was French and stationed in France during WWII, which seems unlikely, unless he was enlisted in the German army or working for the French resistance, in which case “stationed” would be a weird word, where did he come back to? Was this a French national living in the United States who joined the US army and came back to the US after the war was over? This seems the most likely, as it is really the only way her story makes sense. This would also somewhat solve the age question as the US did not land in France until much later on in the war.
The mystery behind this salad dressing is not why I wanted to write about it. Why I wanted to write about it, is because it’s nuts that there is a rich-people only dressing. This dressing according to Shields, cannot be bought online. Instead, “You buy it on memo, and you get a bill, and if you don’t pay it on time, you’re crossed off the list and you’ll never get it again.” Now, I have no idea what “buying on memo” means, but I’m assuming it’s celebrity talk for like getting invoiced? The really stupid part is that there’s a list. Under no circumstances should there be a list for a salad dressing, especially not French dressing, just the worst dressing that there is! Absolute garbage.
I really shouldn’t be surprised that there is a secret salad dressing for celebs only. In fact, it makes perfect sense that such a thing exists. Rich people have all sorts of stuff like this. Things, trips, places, that all cater directly, and only to the ultra-rich. A lot of times regular, non-rich people don’t even know about them. Magazines for rich people only, private clubs, towns accessible only by personal jet, all of these things are real, and available only to people with unreasonable amounts of money. While the salad dressing does not come with a price, if it’s so secret, and so good, it’s probably pretty expensive. Most of the time these things are marketed as being specifically and only for rich people. That is, people of less means, i.e., poor people, are not allowed access to them. While that is messed up in its own right, it once again makes sense. What is the point of being rich if it doesn’t get you things that non-rich people can’t have?
While I applaud this possibly French man for carving out a niche for himself in the high-end salad dressing market, it’s very hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that such a thing exists. Salad dressing is largely just oil, vinegar, and other spices. Some may have egg yolk, or mustard, but the base is pretty similar. While there are certainly better dressings than others, they can only ever be so good. The difference between a $5 of Newman’s Own and a bottle – does it even come in bottles? – of this secret dressing, however much it costs, has to be negligible. But when you can afford the best, I guess that’s all that really matters.
I looked around a little bit while writing this article and found a site purporting to sell Brooke Shields’ favorite dressing. Their story is a little different. According to their website copy, “Gordon Crane loved to cook. He was a World War II serviceman from Massachusetts, and after the war, he remained in Europe working for the United States Embassy in Paris. During his time in the City of Lights, Crane collaborated with a chef to create the perfect recipe for salad dressing. It was garlicky and tangy, more oil than anything else, a sublime coating for tender leaves. And upon returning stateside, Crane bottled his elixir and gave it as gifts, which became fabulously popular. So popular, in fact, that in 1978, Crane’s niece used his recipe to start a business. It was called Crane Crest Real French Dressing.” This differs from Shield’s story in a number of ways, which I won’t enumerate there. This dressing only costs $10 and you can buy it with Google Pay.
Maybe the celeb dressing is now available to the public. If we’re to believe Shields though, this is not that dressing. This is the dressing of Crane’s niece. She gets it straight from the source.
Liked what you read? Please share!