Someone Should Buy Me A Movie Theater

Sometimes I deserve a nice treat

After much deep thought and consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone should buy me a movie theater. Before you think I’m getting too big for my britches, let me explain. I just want a nice four-to-five screen theater. While I wouldn’t say no if one of my many well-heeled admirers purchased a languishing 22-screen AMC multiplex, I’m willing to sacrifice perfect for great in this particular case. I do not think that this is too that much to ask from someone with a lot of money. Here’s a link to some reasonably priced movie theaters that are for sale and in need of just a little bit of love. All of them under one million dollars! That’s just a starting place. Most of those theaters are in very out of the way places. Moving to Boonton, New Jersey does not really fit into my life goals at the current moment. So, feel free to think big with me. Maybe you, my mysterious wealthy benefactor, could build me a theater right here in Chicago! Preferably less than a twenty-minute drive from my house. Now is the perfect time to buy. More and more real estate experts are saying so.

At this point all the people lining up to purchase me a movie theater of my own are probably wondering a few things. Let me answer whatever questions you may have. I guess you would like to know why I want a movie theater of my own. I will address this, though I should make it abundantly clear that once you purchase this theater, pay for renovations, and set up a bank account into which you automatically deposit the money required for business operations, you won’t really get a say over what I do or don’t do with this theater. I will also address questions about what sort of activities take place in this theater, though as I just stated in the previous sentence, it really doesn’t matter what you think when it comes to my running of the theater.

Why, then. Why do I wish for someone to purchase me a movie theater? The answer to that question is simple, I wish to have one. My future personal philanthropist should not need a better reason than this. However, as I am a munificent recipient of cash, I shall provide, if not a better reason, than at least a longer one. I wish for a person of means to buy me a movie theater because I wish to have one AND I would do a good job running it. A point of clarification. By “do a good job running it,” I do not mean “make a profit.” No, there will in all likelihood be no profit made by anyone involved in this operation. You will not receive any money back. This is not an investment opportunity, but a simple gift-giving operation on your part. I do not intend to treat this as “seed” money, or a bastardized version of a Series A funding round. No, this project is not a way for me to make money. I have offered what it is not, let me offer what it is. By “do a good job running it,” I mean that I will use your money to screen a bunch of good movies, and offer high salaries and good benefits to everyone who works there. I’m talking minimum 75k a year, free healthcare, thirty-hour work weeks, six weeks PTO, a full year of pa/maternity leave, and a well-funded pension. In addition to whatever the union decides to negotiate for.

So that’s why I want a movie theater. To be able to pick what movies get screened and help some people get some good jobs. This brings us to the second question that my many future benefactors are asking. That is, what I will be doing at the theater. My day-to-day work in the cinema. Freed from the need to “balance the accounts” and “make profit,” I will simply watch movies and pick which ones the movie theater shows. I already have some ideas. Once a month we will have a “Heist Night,” where we screen heist movies. That seems pretty fun. I also think it would be cool to buy some high-quality camera and other moviemaking equipment and provide them to local high schools. We’d then screen the movies the students made. Could be pretty cool for those kids and their families. I’d also bring in local restaurants to do the concessions on weekends. Heck, every once in a while I’d even play some Marvel movies on one of the screens, if only because people seem to like them so much. I’ve got other ideas, but there’s no need to bore you to death with those. And once again, just as a gentle reminder, your job is only to give me the money/keep giving me money. You don’t get your name on the theater or anything. I could probably try to save you a seat if you texted me, but I can’t make any promises, especially on Heist Night. People love heists.

There’s not really anything more to this. I just think that someone with a couple million dollars should give me some. They’re not doing anything with that money, why not give it to a nice boy who likes movies and has a plan? Seems like a win-win situation to me. As to how to get me the money? Easy. DM me on Twitter @montanablowhard. I’d rather we not have to meet in person, but if you absolutely must, then I’ll deign to get coffee with you for no more than thirty minutes as we figure out how you’re going to get me the money. After that maybe once a year or so we can get one beer or something and talk details. I’m annoying to talk to so big win here for anyone interested in this wonderful opportunity. My guess is it’d only be about $5-10 million at the beginning, depending on the location of the theater, and then probably about $2-4 million a year after that, depending on staff and theater size. If you can’t afford that on your own, think about teaming up some of your other millionaire friends and splitting the costs amongst yourselves. Though in this case, you’d have to decide who would get to go to yearly meeting with me. I didn’t sign up for hanging out with a bunch of wealthy people.

So, if you’re interested, feel free to DM me at @montanablowhard. I’m open to proposals.