Thanksgiving Sides, Ranked
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Like winter, Thanksgiving is coming. The signs have been seen, the omens omened, and the portents portented. In only a few short, and getting shorter, days many people across the United States will eat a lot of food with friends, family, and weird cousins they see once a year. There will be some, but not as many as the media would lead you to believe, fights about politics. There will be a lot of food, and most likely a lot of alcohol imbibed.
Most importantly, however, there will many different side dishes served. Depending on any number of variables too numerous to list, there could be tamales, regular oysters, Rocky Mountain oysters, collard greens, clams, refried beans, fried rice, etc., etc., etc. Each Thanksgiving is different. No list of “Thanksgiving Dishes” could ever hope to list every side dish that has appeared on a Thanksgiving table. For instance, at one of my grandparent’s Thanksgiving we would have egg noodles cooked and served in enough butter to make them slide down your throat. At my other grandparent’s we’d always have a dessert primarily made of frozen strawberries, sugar, and heavy cream. Delicious.
These rankings too, unlike my normal rankings, are hard to make scientific. Some families have expert chefs who know the forbidden secrets of crafting a perfect corn pudding. Other families had to rely on dried out and overcooked rolls. Romeo and Juliet levels of interfamily drama have occurred due to fights over what type of cranberry sauce should be served at the Thanksgiving table. And I’m not even getting into pie varieties and flavors. I’m only one man.
That being said, I am still going to rank some Thanksgiving side dishes. I’m nothing if not confident in my ability to force my food-related opinions onto other people. I’m sure some people – you know who you are – will take offense with both my rankings, and the dishes I’ve included and haven’t included. There is a 100% chance you think I’m either missing something or included too many things. And that’s okay. This is my newsletter. Damn. Relax. Or yell at me about it in the comments. Same thing. Oh, and this is not a reflection of any side dishes at the Friendsgiving I was at last night. Those were all great.
Anyway, here’s the list. It’s in order from Best to Worst.
Gravy
Obviously. Gravy rules. Sure, feel free to quibble about whether this is a “side,” or a “condiment.” Whatever box you put it into, it still tastes great. Gravy whips.
Macaroni and Cheese
A newer addition to many Thanksgiving tables, this is probably the best TGives related innovation in years. I prefer a baked mac for Thanksgiving, hopefully topped with crispy breadcrumbs, but any good recipe will do. Makes for great leftovers.
Mashed Potatoes
Thanksgiving mashed potatoes should be the height of decadence. I like to put roasted garlic, rosemary, sour cream, whole milk, butter, and cream cheese in mine. Some people just like milk and butter. Whatever your poison, these dudes should be rich.
Green Bean Casserole
A very Midwest dish, non-Midwesterns like to shit on the humble green bean casserole. Or Cassoulet d’Haricots Verts if you’re French. Topped with fried onions and made with cream of mushroom soup there is nothing homier and comforting than some dang green bean casserole.
Corn Pudding
Honestly, just a hit. If you haven’t had this stuff, please give it a chance. Even the most mediocre corn pudding is a wonderful repast. Don’t let the word “pudding” fool you. This stuff is great.
Rolls
You can make your own homemade rolls if you want, but that would be stupid. Buy some from the store, splash a little melted butter on top, maybe some chopped garlic if you’re nasty, and pop them in the oven at the time and temperature it says on the box. OOOOOOWEEEEEEEE. That’s good eating.
Stuffing
I love a traditional stuffing, even boxed versions, but I’ve recently come around on cornbread stuffings. Even more so if the chef decided to pop some sausage in there. That’s a true meal. Feel free to use a heavy hand on the sage too. Sage never hurt anyone.
Brussel Sprouts
This is the part of the list where we get to the so-so stuff. Brussel Sprouts can be great, especially if you cook them with bacon, but most of the time they’re bland and steamed. They add some color to the table, but not much else.
Sweet Potatoes
Some people fucking love sweet potatoes. I can take them or leave them. I’ll eat a sweet potato fry, but regular fries are so much better. I’ll eat a sweet potato casserole, but like the mashed potatoes are right there you know?
Carrots
Slow roasted carrots, cooked in turkey drippings are pretty good. But once again. There’s so much better stuff on the table. Taste a little bit and pass the bowl. You can get carrots anytime.
Salad
Yeah sure. You need to have it on the table. I get it. Even on a holiday solely about pigging out American’s Puritan instincts force them to hork down a couple forkfuls of salad. Even if you dress it up with dried cranberries, pears, goat cheese, toasted walnuts, and croutons, it’s still a salad. Ehh
Cranberry Sauce
Don’t care if it’s fresh or from a can. It sucks. No good! Toss it.
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