The Best Houses In Maine
Do to the long coming economic and political failures of capitalism I most likely will never be able to purchase a house, but this is fun!
Part of me wants to move to Maine. I have a very romantic idea of The Pine Tree State in my head. Majestic natural areas, fresh lobster, Stephen King, all existing in harmony. On a typical Saturday I’d head down to the ocean, maybe run into the modern master of horror, chat for a second about how much The Tommyknockers sucked, and then I’d go for a long hike in the forest. I’d come home to my wooden cabin, which sits on the edge of a pier jutting out over the lake, drink a glass of wine and watch the sun set. The next day I’d wake up to watch the sunrise and then go fishing. Unfortunately, I have neither the time or money, mostly money, to make this happen. As a graduate students attempting to become a Professor of History generally do not have a lot of extra cash. And while Maine does have several top-tier schools, my chances of getting a tenure-track job at any of them, or a tenure-track job in general don’t look great. So, unless I win the lottery – the Mega Millions jackpot currently sits at a lovely $300 million+ and draws on Tuesdays and Fridays – my dream of a Maine house remains a fantasy. This does not stop me from researching exactly what houses I would buy if I could, however. Thanks to internet listings like Zillow I can live out my housing aspirations.
Zillow, a popular real estate site, holds a wonderous bounty for those willing to search through it. You can view undeveloped plots of land that go for low five-figures to multi-million dollar properties. Over the next few paragraphs I’m going to show you some of the best ones available in Maine. I admit, some of them would work best as a place to practice your Dexter impression. But do not put down the murder shack, an American institution with a long and storied history. Other listings have a less Timothy McVeigh vibe and more of retired bank VP with bad taste type energy. Finally, I am not stealing McMansion Hell’s bit. Not in the least. Can’t steal a bit when you’re too dumb to do it as good as the original.
For When You Really Need To Take A Shit Outside
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/14-Bobby-Way-Milo-ME-04463/2079496029_zpid/
Imagine this. You come home from a long day of work. You slip off your shoes. You have some stew because the temperature has dropped below zero. You drink a few beers to celebrate the end of the work week. You need to go to the bathroom. So you slip on your winter coat, your boots and some snow pants. You make the trek to the outhouse. You sit down on the freezing cold seat. You do your business while you shiver and shake. Sounds wonderful. You then go back and sleep in the bottom bed of the twin sized double-bunk. You wake up the next day and go look at the hole with water in it. Living the dream. For only a cool $35k.
No One Has Been Murdered Here, Yet.
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/195-Damon-Rd-Sumner-ME-04292/115100975_zpid/?mmlb=g,11
This 840 square foot single family home with 3 bedrooms and 1.0 bathrooms has not yet witnessed a murder. A secluded half-wood paneled house with unfinished basement perfect for those who wish to live in a house where no one has been murdered but could be soon. Nothing in the HOA or deed prevents anyone from dying under mysterious circumstances in this house, very much a bonus. Several pieces of loose wood lie around the house, just something to consider. Just a reminder, as of now, no one murders have occurred in this house.
Tiny House and White Pipe Included
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/596-Canaan-Rd-Clinton-ME-04927/246682503_zpid/
Everyone wants to live in a tiny house. These eco-friendly buildings have started to pop up all over the map. Maine has its fair share of them as well. This wonderfully cheap property comes with a tiny house for no extra charge. Able to sleep 1-2 people comfortably, the property also comes with a wonderful white pipe. The owner can get as creative as they’d like with the pipe. Turn it into a fountain, or a nice comfortable seat, or maybe even a loudspeaker. The pile of ropes also comes gratis.
A Barn
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/1148-Canaan-Rd-Hartland-ME-04943/2083651989_zpid/
A barn. Wonderful. A big beautiful barn. While they property has no running water, it does have a stream running through it. A barn and a stream. Perfect. If you wish to live in a barn, than look no further. A barn. Try saying barn three times fast. “Barn, barn, barn.” Delightful. A barn.
HIGHLY DEFENSIBLE POSITION – THE OTTOMAN HORDES WILL SHY AWAY! Plus, A Spiral Staircase!
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/34-Jacobs-Way-Gorham-ME-04038/112647209_zpid/
No need to feel afraid when living on this property. You have the high ground, and no one can get you. While ramparts do not come with the property, conscription of the peasants that will surely flock to the open farming land should prove easy. As a bonus, should your enemies breach your walls somehow an indoor spiral staircase provides the only option for vertical movement within your domicile. Anyone could dispatch raiders as they attempt to reach the parapets with that type of tactical advantage. The inground pool provides a freshwater source should they attempt a siege. The raiding Ottoman hordes will falter short of the Mississippi.
A Rock, A Path, A Red Stick With A Silver Top. Water? Maybe.
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/110-Chapman-Rd-Harrison-ME-04040/91834932_zpid/
What a beautiful rock. And the path? Amazing. A wonderful indent in the ground. The red stick with silver top shines with an inner beauty. An investment piece if I’ve ever seen one. The art market is booming and that could go for a couple of million in a few years, I’m sure of it. This property might have access to clean, running water, but then again, it might not. A gamble surely, but at 25k you can’t afford to not take it. I don’t know if you noticed this but the rock also comes with a nice bright flag as well. Pretty cool.
This One Is Nice And Not Decorated By Someone With A Grudge Against Animals
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/356-Racoon-Rd-Acton-ME-04001/2079480985_zpid/
Sure someone might actually want to live here. Wouldn’t look out of place in a Land’s End or REI catalogue. The previous owners insisted on calling it Moose Island for some reason, as if any reasonable person wouldn’t have named it Hard Wood House, but you can change that. Beautiful scenic views, lake access, weird antler chandeliers, a few flowers in mulch, and the same exact couch in every room, everything a person could want. A garden that looks like a shoe print, half a boat used as shelving. All the trees within a mile-radius seem to have dies. Nothing better.
Get Invited To The Bush Family Compound And Have A Nice Big Wood Chunk In Your Room
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/209-Kings-Hwy-Kennebunkport-ME-04046/112710659_zpid/
Word has it that Former President George H.W. Bush lives just down the road from this place. $3.5 million seems like a small price to pay for access to the greatest President America has ever seen. Maybe he’ll paint a picture of you that you can hang in your cheaply made mansion sure to fall apart in no time. This building has racoon ears, and one of the rooms has a large wooden chunk in the middle of it for some reason. Wonderful! Also no one has ever smiled or laughed in this building. Perfect for any and all weird rich people sex cult meetings you may want to host.
Live In Peaceful Hostile Valley, Maine
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/1781-Hostile-Valley-Rd-Palermo-ME-04354/2079500057_zpid/
Hostile Valley, where all the residents live in peace. A wonderful tool shed purchased from Home Depot resides on the property, ready to sleep up to 6 people in incredibly uncomfortable non-luxury. As an added bonus two large piles of rocks sit on the property. This can provide hours of fun for any and all prisoners you want to put to work. Just give them a hammer and they’ll start breaking. The place comes with one lamp and a water holder converted from an old gas storage tank.
Are You Interested In The Color Brown?
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/3-Eagle-Stream-Dr-Greenville-ME-04441/2098526492_zpid/
A wonderful property if you enjoy the color brown. For a mere $250k you can get up to four separate shades of brown all in your own home! And that’s not including the browns to be found in nature, just steps from your door. From tans to dark doo-doo brown this place has got you covered. While the inside may look a failed home remodeling show, it’ll feel like home in no time. Did I mention the brown?