The Democrats Have A Problem And I Can Fix It
The answer is staring them right in the face: Sweatpants.
According to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight – a website about how Nate Silver wants to marry graphs – Joe Biden currently has a 42.9% approval rating. In addition to these dismal numbers, Biden’s party, The Democrats, also recently lost control of the Virginia governorship and House, and are poised to see massive losses in the 2022 midterms. The conservative Supreme Court is on the verge of ending legal abortion in the US. The Senate has completely gutted what was supposed to be Biden’s signature spending bill, ripping out massively popular programs and reforms in order to appease “centrists” such as Manchin and Sinema. In short, the party is in shambles and the Republicans are poised to take control. There is only way to turn this ship around. As a gesture of goodwill Joe Biden should provide one pair of free sweatpants to every person living in the United States every year.
Sweatpants are the best thing in the word. No other piece of clothing matches its combination of utility, comfort, and style. The perfect thing to wear when going grocery shopping, lounging in the house, checking out the farmer’s market, or walking the dog. With just a little bit of extra work, they can fit in at the fanciest dinner party, the opera, or even, if you’re bold enough, a wedding. They keep you warm, and when well made, have pockets in which you can store various items that might be useful to you around your day. Everyone should have access to a fresh pair of sweatpants, and it’s imperative that our government provide them to its citizens.
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Now is the time to provide sweatpants as well. They are at peak popularity, and the wave must be ridden before it crashes. Increased amounts of people are working from home and no longer must pretend to enjoy “business casual” clothing. Even for those businesses with tyrannical bosses who force their employees to “dress appropriately for the workplace,” would find it hard to enforce a sweatpants ban, when most people’s Zoom set-ups only show their upper torsos. It would also give neighbors something to talk about. How much they like their sweats, how often they wear them, ways in which they’ve personalized them. This would help strengthen communities, household-by-household and stree-by-street. I can imagine people setting up block parties to celebrate the arrival of their new sweatpants. Just a wonderful time.
The onset of winter has made sweatpants even more useful than they usually are. Providing everyone with at least one piece of warm clothing means that heating bills, and subsequently the use of fossil fuels, will go done across the United States. It would give people a reason to go out and get some more exercise. Who wouldn’t want to take a quick spin around the block to show off their new sweats? People, especially in cities, will be more likely to use either public transport or to walk places, so that more people can see their sweet sweats, reducing car usage, and subsequently gas prices. Huge environmental benefits to families throughout this great country.
Of course, at this point, I’m sure people are asking, “but how much would this cost?” While I’ve already shown that the benefits in both environmental and community gains, for those of my readers who are grim economics-only demons, I can assure you that this program would pay for itself immediately. These sweatpants would be manufactured in the United States by union workers. This, combined with the fact that the sweatpants are provided once a year, means that there will be thousands of newly employed union garment workers across the United States. These stable, well-paying jobs will be a boon for the economy. In addition, it will also cut down on people’s clothing budgets, allowing them extra money to spend or save as they see fit. There will also be benefits to other businesses not directly related with the production of the sweatpants. People will want to start customizing and accessorizing their sweatpants, providing additional income to people and companies who are smart enough to get into that space. Tailors and other clothiers will also see boosts in their businesses as people will start fixing rather than simply replacing their sweatpants.
The cost question remains, however. In short, it would not be that expensive. While long-term solutions would involve the government providing start up grants to worker coops across the country to build manufacturing plants, the short-term solution would involve Biden invoking wartime production acts to force factories to start producing sweatpants. What war? The war on Christmas seems as good as any. The math on this is easy. Old Navy currently sells sweatpants for $39.99. While this price involves a tremendous mark-up from the actual cost of production, the use of union-labor, logistical costs, switching production to the US, and the cost of the long-term grants would probably make the price somewhere around there. So, it’s a fine starting point. According to the US Census there are currently around 332.9 million people living in the United States. Let’s round it up to 333 million for easy math. At $40 a pair that would be $13,320,000,000. Or 13.2 billion dollars if you don’t like reading a bunch of zeros. That’s chump change to the US government. The US gov’t will spend over 6 trillion dollars in 2021 alone. The 2021 military budget is 753.5 billion. Take some from there. Or tax Facebook robot Mark Zuckerberg. He doesn’t need a third yacht.
The solution to most of the Democrats’ problems is staring them right in the face. They just need to reach out and grab it. Will they? Probably not. They can’t even get their shit together enough to give people four weeks off after they have a baby, or provide money to update public school buildings. But I’ve provided them with the answers. All they need to do is ask. My consulting fees are very reasonable. Call your senators and representatives and tell them that the government needs to provide its citizens with sweatpants and they need to do it now. Or else.
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