The Free Fallin' Bass Solo for 20 Minutes Straight
If Robert Frost took a leak in the woods would it diverge in yellow roads?
Everyone and their mother freaking loves fall. People go bonkers for anything Autumnal. Anthropologie could put a dang dog turd on a pumpkin, and someone would buy it. But hating on people who like Fall is just as hack as being the basic bitch who LOVES Fall. Also, pumpkin stuff is just squash. BIG AGRA lies to us on the regular. I need content however and with Fall creeping up on the Midwest I have an excuse to write about it. And because I’m in a constant state of trying to go viral - great for my mental health - I’m going to use this space as a place to try and come up with this fall’s version of Hot Girl Summer.
Hot Boy Autumn comes in as the obvious choice for a replacement moniker but loses ground almost immediately because it’s hack. Also, no boys are hot, except for Fletcher Cox, that dude is stunning. Just a big beefy boy who could crush you like a bug. Wonderful. And anyway, being hot isn’t really the province of Fall. Fall is about being cool and chill. Hot Summer people are different than hot Fall people and that’s just a fact. Fletcher Cox is a hot fall guy. Cole Hamels is a hot summer guy. There’s a difference. So Hot Boy Autumn is out
Similarly, Crisp Apple Autumn just does not stand up to close examination. For one, people are not apples! So, points off from the get-go. Secondly, according to the amount of Red Delicious apples that my grocery store constantly has on display people freaking LOVE eating non crisp apples! No apple exists that is mealier than a Red Delicious and yet the Tony’s down the block from me never has less than 200 Red Delicious Apples for sale. So, two strikes for Crisp Apple Autumn. The third and final strike is that Autumn is the old people word for Fall and the old do not get to have anything cool.
Bog Boy Autumn gets a little closer. However, “Bog Witch Autumn/Swamp Witch Autumn” have been going around on Twitter lately and I do not want to get accused of culturally appropriating from Wiccans. If that happens a coven of witches will enter the Dark Sacristy, perform the Summoning of Mal-Goth and banish you to the 33rd Astral Plane aka the Hell Plane, and we all know that I could not stand the torments of Beezelbub and his army of ten thousand demons.
As I have already broken the rule of threes this will have to be the final one and therefore the best one. So, the next season is Spooky Ghoul Autumn. A clear winner. For one, it’s ungendered. Ghouls have no gender, nor does being Spooky. Secondly it fits with traditional Northern Hemisphere understandings of Fall. The sun sets earlier, making everything darker, very spooky. We’re getting closer to elections, also spooky and ghoulish. Halloween aka All Hallow’s Eve for all my witches out there, is right around the corner. People start trying to convince you the candy corn is good. All spooky ghoulish things. And finally, you don’t have to try during Spooky Ghoul Autumn. Ghouls just wear like ratty t-shirts and don’t comb their hair. Sounds great to me.
Go out and enjoy your Spooky Ghoul Autumn my friends.
Other Discarded Names:
Dumb Idiot Fall
Big Dick Autumn
Fancy Lad Fall
Ought Tum Autumn
Free Cornrows Fall
Garth Marenghi’s Fall Place
Lame Ass Nerd Autumn
Heather’s Heather Sweater Weather
Hot Girl Fall
Fall: The Experience
Autumn, The Winter of our Discontent