The Top Ten Dips Of All Time
This is a scientifically accurate list, so no complaining
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The Super Bowl was yesterday (you’ll get ‘em next year Philly, Go Birds). As game-day tradition requires, I ate a lot of dips. A lot. I’m serious. However much dip you think I ate yesterday, double that. Triple it even. Still not imagining the right amount? Let me try a different tack. Know that old canard about how you are what you eat? If that is true then call me Dylan the Dip Man, because I’m made of dips.
So, in order to celebrate last night’s dip bacchanal I’ve ranked all the dips. Not just the ones that I ate last night, but just dips in general. I’ve combed through hundreds of recipes and found the ten best dips. For your dipping pleasure.
10. Tzatziki
This placement in the ranking isn’t a knock on Tzatziki. Tzatziki is good, great even. I mean to break into the top ten of a dip list it’s got to be pretty good. But it really shines not as a dip but as a topping on gyros, so I’ve taken a few points off for that reason alone. All that said, few things on this planet beat a creamy, herby, just plain delicious tzatziki. Bonus, it’s made with yogurt so it can’t be that bad for you right?
9. Queso
Queso had a bit of a heyday from 2017-2020. Hell, maybe that heyday is still going on. The most recent print edition of Bon Appetit had two queso recipes in it after all. Velveeta ran constant commercials about queso on every TV channel at every hour. It was everywhere! Chili’s really pushed its own version, as did every other place like it. People zhuzhed it up in various combos, often adding chorizo or sprinkling oxacan cheese on top. It deserved its time in the sun! Queso is great, versatile, and tastes delicious! The only fault is that it’s really a tortilla chip-only dip. You can use carrots or whatever with it, but it’s not as good.
8. Blue Cheese Dip
Some people hate blue cheese. Those people are wrong! Blue cheese is the greatest cheese ever to exist. No hyperbole here. Creamy, umami-filled, and totally good on anything. Blue cheese dip kicks it up a notch, making it easy to dip it, spread it, and if you really have a problem, drink it. The more chunks the better in my opinion. If you’re having buffalo wings, it’s doubly necessary.
7. Hummus
I know! I know! This seems low for hummus, one of the greatest dips of all time. But trust me, all the other dips on this list are just as good if not better. I won’t spend much time describing hummus here, I’m assuming that everyone reading this has eaten hummus at one point. I will say however, that if you’re ever in Chicago you should go to Galit (you’ll need to get a rez like four months in advance, but still) and get their brisket hummus. It’ll literally kill you with how good it is. Hummus only loses points because it’s a bit fiddly to make at home, especially if you’re trying to make it smooth.
6. Guacamole
I’ve said this on here before, but my fiancé Sarah makes the best guacamole on the planet. I’d put it against anyone else’s guac. ANYONE’S! I promise. Creamy, rich, and tangy in equal parts, guac does it all. Great on chips, veggies, burgers, whatever. The only drawback of guac is that it turns brown and nasty quickly. It’s usually not a problem though, because the guac always gets eaten first. Also, finding a bunch of avocados that are ripe at the same time is like winning the dang Powerball.
5. Spinach Artichoke Dip
“Oooh oooh ooooh.” I make that sound whenever I see a spinach artichoke dip. It’s an involuntary reaction. I just get so excited about it. The tang of the chokes, the hit of the parm, the uh Vitamin C-ness of the spinach, it just all goes together so well. And yes, you need parmesan if you’re going to have a good spinach artichoke dip. My fav way to eat this is to spread it out on a sheet pan, bake it until the edges get a little brown and crispy, and then go to town on it. This dip is perfectly good fine, but heating it up brings it to a whole new level. Trust me.
4. 7-Layer Dip
Midwestern excellence. Former Bon Appetit personality Molly Baz recently tried to “upgrade” 7-layer dip by adding nuts, white beans, dill, and a whole bunch of other shit. I’m sure it’s fine, but it’s not doing the same thing that a 7-layer dip does. Who cares if the tomatoes are watery, that those sliced black olives are kinda nasty on their own? When melded together by the arcane alchemy that is Midwestern cuisine, they become a delicious concoction of their own. Perfect at a church potluck, an outdoor BBQ, or the damn Super Bowl, there is nothing that the 7-layer can’t do.
3. French Onion
Zut Alors! I don’t know what the hell is French about French onion dip, but it sure holds up better than the Maginot line! Sorry. The ghost of Dennis Miller just possessed me for a second. I’m trying to delete that sentence, but my computer just won’t let me. In any case, French onion is good. Truly great. The bite of the onion, the way it sits there on a chip, falling into every crack, seam, and pore. Perfect. Wolfgang Puck couldn’t do better than this.
2. Salsa
Don’t have much to say on this one. You know it, you love it, you’ve probably eaten it at least once last week. It comes in a million different variations. Spicy, not spicy, corn, black bean, green, garlic, etc etc etc. It’s not really a party unless you have some salsa. It’s pretty easy to make yourself and even easier to buy. Though if you’re having a party in Chicago, I recommend just buying some from a taco spot. Much better than anything from a jar.
1. Buffalo Chicken Dip
The King of dips. Simply can’t be beaten. Just don’t ask what the hell is in it. It is decidedly not good for you. But the spicy, tangy, and creamy combo makes it worth the hundred trips to the doctor’s office you’ll need after eating this. You only live once after all. Why not make it a life where you’ve eaten some dang Buffalo Chicken dip? It’s also tremendously easy to make. Just dump the stuff in the crockpot and let it sit.
Have any arguments with this list? Please let me know so I can tell you why you’re wrong. Thanks, and enjoy your dips!
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