Top Ten Places You Should Pay For Me To Visit
A cool like $12 million should cover all my expenses
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Let it be known that I am not the best traveler of all time. Long flights tire me out and getting used to new things always requires a bit of extra time for me. Partly for those reasons I do not dream of one day running a “Wanderlust’-centric Instagram account. Also, I have neither the money, the time, nor the inclination to spend my days going on, planning, and documenting trips abroad. Nor am I hot enough to get enough followers to get free trips from various resorts. Despite all that, there are some places that I would like to see before I die. I most likely won’t get to see all of them, but I’ve been fortunate enough so far that if my luck doesn’t run completely dry, I’ll probably get to see at least one or two of them. Hopefully.
This list is a pretty basic one. It’s heavily centered around the Mediterranean. I won’t pretend that I want to visit like the most inhospitable places on Earth. Hiking the Antarctic would not be my thing. You won’t catch me traipsing around a volcano or some shit. I also don’t really care about going to like some White Lotus type tropical resort. Though if someone wants to buy me two weekends in a premier suite at such a place I’m not going say no. That would be stupid. That being said I didn’t just like google “Top Ten Cities to visit” and pick those. That wouldn’t be fair to my followers. I went the extra yard. I googled, “Top Ten Most Underrated Cities to Visit.” That’s the extra mile that Dang Dude goes. Just kidding. I have real reasons for wanting to visit these places. Most of them revolve around Assassin’s Creed having a game based there.
1. Budapest
I want to go to Budapest because of the book The Historian. This book is about an historian – natch – who goes to Budapest in search of vampires and gets into various adventures along the way. Something about the descriptions of this city really made me want to go. I’ve heard from several people along the way that it really is a cool city. Also, perhaps I, an historian, will also find some vampires and get involved in various adventures relating to said blood suckers. You never know.
2. London
Okay, I understand this is some basic shit. But I’ve always wanted to go. It’s super expensive so I wouldn’t be able to stay long, but I do really just want to grab some fish and chips and drink a pint with the lads. Yes, I can hear your eyes rolling. Whatever! I like what I like. Maybe I’ve read too much China Miéville, Neil Gaiman, and Neal Stephenson, but I would love to see the city that has inspired so many writers and artists. It has a long, complicated, and important history and seeing it would be well worth the trip. Also I want to like say shit like “lorry,” and “boot.”
3. Istanbul
Talk about cities that have been around forever, Istanbul has been around forever. It’s also the largest city in Europe in terms of population. It also has hundreds of years of Roman, Byzantine, and Ottoman history. Remember that They Might Be Giants song? Wow. There is also some amazing architecture in the city as well. Which as I get older I’ve started to appreciate more and more. If you see my ass just like staring at a building and whispering “wow,” to myself, know that I’m having a good time.
4. Monaco
I understand if you have to cancel me for this, but I’ve wanted to go here ever since I saw it in some James Bond movie. GoldenEye I think. Very Western Imperialist of me, I know. But also, I want to hang out a casino and watch the Grand Prix. Also, it just seems like a ridiculous fake country. According to Wikipedia over 30% of the country is millionaires. Which is obviously an awful thing from an exploitation standpoint but something I would like to witness.
5. Berlin
From what I’ve heard the thing to do in Berlin is clubbing. I would not do that. Ich nicht liebe der Klub. I would go to drink beers and eat sausages. Also to kick the ghost of Hitler’s ass. As someone who has taught about, and was born less than a year after it fell I would love to see the remains of the Berlin Wall, and to reenact that final scene of The Spy Who Came In From The Cold. That would be fun.
6. Prague
I have this funny bit – or annoying tick depending on who you are – with how I pronounce Prague. Think like Steve Martin’s Pink Panther voice. Trust me, it’s very funny. Anyway, if I was every able to go here I would not be able to stop doing that bit. So like don’t go here with me. But also Prague, like every other damn place on this list has an incredibly interesting history and some very cool architecture. Also, maybe I will finally figure out what the hell the Holy Roman Empire was really all about. Freaking Charles V.
7. Marrakesh
No, I do not want to go here because of the Simon & Garfunkel song. I’m not that basic. Yet. I do want to go here because damn, some of those buildings look cool as hell. Moroccan food sounds good as hell too. It’s very close to the shore and I would love to be able to swim on that side of the Atlantic.
8. Cairo
I mean do I have say anything more than “the pyramids?” In addition, there’s this person who I used to work with who I think is faking going on vacation a lot. Some of the pictures she posts on social media claim to be in Cairo and I want to try and figure out if my theory is true or not.
9. Lisbon
I’m still including this in my list despite having been to their airport. I did not leave the airport so I’m going to count the city as unvisited. But my girlfriend says this is her favorite city, and whose opinion am I going to trust if not hers? I will also get to finally implement my plan to reunite the Iberian peninsula under the Divine rule of Charles V.
10. Walking tour of the Irish Coast
Imagine this. You see me, wearing a nice thick knitted sweater. I have a nice walking stick, that I carved myself. I’m wearing one of those woolen caps and you can see beads of mist on it. The faint sound of bagpipes can be heard in the background. I’m smoking a pipe. Now that would be a vacation. Also I just, and this is not a joke, really like the color of grass, and I would see a lot of that on this trip. Great for me.
Those are the places I would like to go. If anybody wants to fund me so that I can go to these places that would be great. I might even show you some of the pictures that I took.
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Great choices Dylan! Allow me to put in extra plugs for Prague, Istanbul, and of course The Mother Of The World aka Cairo, which I loved for the 5 years I lived and worked there. (And what better reason to go than to check up on the honesty of an acquaintance?--hee hee). And forgive the pedant in me, but I think the Marrakesh song you're thinking of is Crosby, Stills, and Nash, not S&G. Thanks for another fun read!