Vegetables, Ranked
Sorry brussel sprouts, ya nasty!
Vegetable is, famously, not a scientific category.[1] It is a culinary definition, not a taxonomic one. Tomatoes are, according to plant scientists[2], fruit. Carrots are roots. Kale, which I wrote about last week, is a leaf. Mushrooms are fungi. Artichokes are flowers.[3] Hopefully, by now, the point becomes clear. Something being a vegetable is much more about its vibe than how it fits into any sort of strict definition.
If anything, Dang Dude is the premier vibes-based newsletter.[4] Which makes it the perfect candidate to host a ranking of veggies. In fact, it makes so much sense that it’s surprising that there hasn’t already been one. But that fact has now been remedied. Below, you’ll find the long-awaited list. Is every vegetable there? No! There are too many of them! So just enjoy what you’ve got.
13. Corn
When you hide from having to take the peels off of corn that you’re going to put in Jon Madden’s favorite Thanksgiving Day treat, I call that “ducking the shucking for the Turducken.” Anyway, corn, and corn syrup, is in just about everything we eat. It’s good, but is it great? I guess not! It’s only ranked thirteenth!
12. Cucumber
Cucumbers give us pickles. Blessed be the cucumber. Anno domis de rerum drennis.[5] Like every other veggie on this list, there are countless heirloom varieties of cukes that you don’t see in stores and can only get from roadside stands in rural Georgia. But even the big hot-house cucumbers that sit, swollen and distended, on grocery-store stands have their benefits. They make for a great hummus vehicle, are perfect in a salad, and are fun to just chomp down on.
11. Orange Sweet Pepper
My life is hard. The thing that proves it, is that I have to place orange sweet pepper so low on this list. Orange sweet peppers rule. They’re crisp, sweet, and taste great when grilled. Snapping into a slice of that sweet OSP will put a smile on anyone’s face. The fact that such a good vegetable has such a comparatively low ranking just goes to show how many banging veggies there are out in the world. It is a hassle to like take all those little seeds out though. No thanks!
10. Red Onion
The English language is a beautiful thing because, as we all know, red onions are in fact purple. Deep purple. Not a slightly purplish red, but medieval royal cape purple. I’m sure at one point that they were red and modern grocery conglomerates forced farmer’s to grow purple ones or whatever, but it’s more fun if I just imagine that some dipshit farmer in the 800s decided to call them purple instead of red onions. Anyway, red onions are pungent, flavorful, and add a perfect hit of acid to just about anything. Plus, if you cook ‘em real low and slow, they get nice and sweet. Now that’s good eating.
9. Ramp
Ramps are only available for a short couple of weeks in spring, but those couple of weeks are some of the best in the world. Ramps are essentially just fancy garlic. Their small white roots, slightly purple stems, and single green leaf pack plenty of flavor. Sauté them with eggs, pickle up a bunch, throw them in a pesto, or put them in chicken noodle soup. Whatever you use them for, they’ll be amazing.
8. Button Mushroom
The only real negative about mushrooms is that you have to clean them in a special way. The trick? Take a slightly damp paper towel and dab off the dirt. It’s slightly more work, but it prevents your shrooms from getting slimy and makes them more delectable. Mushrooms can, and should be enjoyed raw, but they’re also good cooked down with some herbs, butter, and placed on a nice piece of toast. Can’t do any better than that.
7. English Pea
In case you haven’t realized, I’m a bit of a raw vegetable freak. I’ll go to town on some nice, fresh veg. Just chomping down like a damn rabbit. One of my favorite veggies to eat raw? A big old bowl of English peas. Just eating them by the spoonful with a little bit of salt and freshly cracked black pepper on top. Maybe some olive oil, if I’m really feeling fancy. There are few things better than a spoonful of peas on a nice early summer day. Makes me feel like hiking the Appalachian Trail.
6. Artichoke
Butter makes many things better. However, only one thing is perfectly designed to be the ultimate in butter delivery technology. The ne plus ultra of solidified milkfat consumption. That thing? The artichoke. It takes a little bit of time to prepare them, but the wait is worth it. Especially when grilled. Of everything on this list, I’ve never eaten artichoke raw. Seems like it wouldn’t be great. Hence the lower ranking.
5. Iceberg Lettuce
Some people are haters when it comes to iceberg lettuce. Those people need a come to Jesus moment. What other vegetable is literally just water in leaf form? What’s not to love about that? Water is life after all. And hey, if it’s good enough for the crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell, it’s good enough for me.[6] Now there’s a motto I can get behind.
4. Potato
Potatoes rule. Gimme that starch! I’m not just a Yukon Gold supremacist either. I want the russets, fingerlings, Adirondack Blues, Austrian crescent, Bintjes, larettes, all of them! I’d eat potatoes every day if I could. Damn. I’m outta breath just thinking about spuds! The only way they could be better is if you could eat them raw like an apple. I mean you can – and I have – but it’s not good. Makes your tummy hurt.
Enjoying reading? Please like, share, and subscribe!
3. Sugar Snap Pea
Just like how if you see a Superbad DVD in someone’s media center, you know they’re cool, when you see a veggie tray with sugar snaps on it, you know that the provider of that tray has good taste.[7] When these bad boys are ripe, you don’t even need to peel off the hard little pieces at either end. You can just op them like they’re candy. They’re full of flavor, great raw or in stir fries, and are very easy to grow in your backyard if you’re in the mood. I did it in my Chicago backyard, so you can do it too.
2. Carrot
This morning on TikTok, I saw a joke post about someone making carrot hot dogs.[8] It was presented as a parody of “healthy” eating people, but honestly, I’d try it. Roasted carrots are one of the few delicacies available to basically anyone with a heat source and no relevant allergies. But cooked isn’t the only way to enjoy our orange friends. I ate raw carrot sticks basically every day from kindergarten through senior year of high school. In elementary school I used to do this very weird thing where I would snap them over my head. Not sure why I did that, but I have a very vivid memory of it. In any case, carrots are GOAT’ed.
1. Tomato
I’ve written about tomatoes enough on here that I’ll spare you another overwrought rhapsody to the king of vegetables. Just read these instead.
[1] Science is here referring to Western modes of understanding the world. Epistemologies if you will. Sorry, this should just be another newsletter. Bet you thought I was going to make a joke about “famously.” Never let ‘em your next move.
[2] Plant scientists? I think you mean Botanists. Dummy.
[3] For real!
[4] This is not a good thing. Too many things are based vibes right now. People’s understanding of basic facts, Trump’ economic/social policies, etc etc. There should be less vibes.
[5] Or whatever.
[6] In Latin that’s: “Taco campana si satis est mihi satis est.”
[7] Am I dating myself too much here? Don’t think so!
[8] TikTok is ruining the world. That’s the subject of another post. I won’t get into here.