Cookies, Ranked

Cookies are an important part of a healthy lifestyle. Dietitians as varied as Dr. Monster of Sesame Street Pediatrics and The Cookie Crook have published research on the manner. These fine purveyors of good medicine have proved that cookies promote mindfulness, and longevity and replace certain essential, uh, body ingredients.[1] Plus, they taste good. It’s really a win-win.

Unfortunately, not all cookies are made the same. Some are much better than others, and a few, I am sad to say, are not worth eating at all. Because of this, as is tradition here at Dang Dude, I have ranked the best ones for you. Before anyone starts complaining, I have not ranked every cookie from every corner of the world. That would be impossible, if only for reasons of taxonomy.[2] I am not interested in questions of what is a cookie and what is not a cookie. I’m not a deranged 180,000-comment Reddit thread from 2016. So, I just picked the first ten cookies I could think of and ranked them. A methodology to please even the harsh critics of Nature.

Here are the cookies, ranked in order from worst to best.

10. Oatmeal Raisin

If this is your favorite cookie, get real! Nasty. I’m not even a raisin hater. I love a good bowl of Raisin Bran, or some braised chicken with a few raisins in there. But in a cookie? That also has oatmeal? NO THANKS! It may be cliché to call these grandma cookies, but they’re grandma cookies. Great Depression-type treats. Big pass.

9. Shortbread

Shortbread cookies are just no good. I hate the way they make your mouth dry after you eat them, I hate the way they sit there at the bottom of cookie plate because no one wants them, and I hate the way that people keep trying to push them on me.[3] They’re slightly better than oatmeal raisin in that I will eat them if it’s a dire situation, but I will be mad about it. That’s the Dang Dude promise.

8. Russian tea cakes

Talk about another dry cookie. Russian tea cakes are saved by the fact that they are absolutely covered in powdered sugar. I love that for them. They, unfortunately, have that same chalkiness that shortbread does, but have a bunch more flavor in them, pushing them to a higher ranking. Plus, they have a cool name, which more than makes up for any deficiencies they might have in other areas.

7. Gingersnaps

Now we’re getting into the actually good cookies. Gingersnaps can be amazing, but more often than not, they’re basura, which knocks them down a couple of pegs. Those thin, crispy joints are just no good. A gingersnap needs a soft center, and a layer of crystal sugar on top. That’s where the magic happens. The sharpness of the ginger mixed with sugar is a great combo that far too many people mess up. It should be far more about the ginger and far less about the snap in my mind. This isn’t a Rice Krispies add after all.

6. Sugar

Sugar cookies are great for decorating. A good activity to keep a child from turning into a demon. Generally, they’re fine to eat. They’re very easy to make, malleable, and fun, but they’re not like amazing. For something that’s primarily sugar, butter, flour, and milk, they’re surprisingly medium. They don’t have that oomph. That twist that puts them over the top. Cool icing colors and patterns can only do so much for the mastication needs of the people.

Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! Please subscribe if you haven’t already. If you’re already subscribe, please consider upping it to a paid subscription. You get to join a great community of readers and commentors! You also get to support me! Isn’t that great?!?!

5. Chocolate Chip

A mid ranking for a mid cookie. Chocolate chip cookies are fine. Even when you sprinkle them with a little bit of Maldon salt, use the best butter, the best milk, the best everything, they’re still okay. Sure, I’ll eat them, especially when they’re just on the warm side of hot and still a little gooey, but in the back of my head I’ll always be thinking, “there’s better stuff out there.” I don’t begrudge anyone liking these, but like, c’mon. You’re eating a cookie! Have a little fun with it.

4. Pfeffernusse/Peppernuts

My Swiss/Dutch/German/Amish ancestors are “Ja, Ja’ing” in approval at the inclusion of this on the list. Pfeffernusse, peppernuts for the non-German speaking of us, are a small cookie flavored with anise, cinnamon, ginger, and other warming spices. They can be crunchy or soft – I prefer the crunchy ones – and are small little guys. They are generally made around Christmas, often passed around to neighbors and other visitors. They’re like little poppable treats and very easy to make. Love ‘em to death.

3. Peanut Butter

A good peanut butter cookie is worth its weight in diamonds. Peanut butter is the perfect combination of savory and sweet, a great thing to turn into the base of a sweet treat. The trick of course, as it is with most cookies, is to not overcook it. An overcooked peanut butter cookie can be a bit brittle and leave a lot of crumbs. Leaving it a bit soft prevents that and allows for a perfect textural experience. Smack a Hershey kiss in the middle of that thing and you’ve got something next-level.

2. Snickerdoodles

The near apex of cookie supremacy, snickerdoodles are insanely delicious. Both beautiful to look at and an impeccable gustatory experience, snickerdoodles are the Rolls-Royce of baked goods. Cinnamon and sugar is a combo that time and again has been proven to just like straight-up slap, and snickerdoodles are the perfect vehicle for it. The soft pillowy texture is almost unbeatable. Haven’t had a snickerdoodle in a while? Go get one.

1. Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip

Please follow these instructions exactly. Go to a grocery store. Preferably not a fancy one, but like a basic one. Go to the baking aisle. It’s probably just before the snack aisle. Find a bag of Reese’s brand peanut butter chips. Look on the back of the bag. You’ll find a recipe for “REESE'S Chewy Chocolate Cookies with Peanut Butter Chips.” If you don’t have any of the ingredients listed, buy them. Once you’ve done that, go home and follow the recipe exactly. Now tell me that isn’t the greatest cookie you’ve ever had in your life. I used to make these cookies as a kid like all the time. It was an easy enough recipe that a 6^th grader could make it, so you can do it too. The list of things I wouldn’t do to get one of these cookies right now is a very short one.

Okay, did all this put you in the mood for some cookies? Go eat some! Grab a cool glass of milk, give one a dunk, and get to eating!

---

[1] I don’t know. I’m not a medical doctor.

[2] Are fortune cookies cookies? Are whoopie pies cookies? Etc etc etc.

[3] Sorry for sounding like Kendrick Lamar talking about Drake. I don’t like to get involved in politics.

Enjoyed reading? Please like, share, and subscribe